I may or may not have made a big mistake. Writing here has been really cathartic for me; it's nice to be able to vent without having anyone judge or criticize. I guess I was hiding behind the fact that I thought no one would actually pay attention to anything I say here.
But now people--actually one person--knows about and has read the things I've written here. It's exhilarating and embarrassing all at once; I'm torn between the desire to finally share what I really think with someone and the fear that he'll run screaming once he sees what goes on inside my head. I've had way more lows than highs and I don't want him seeing how...damaged I am (or at least how damaged I feel at times). But I guess that's the risk you take when you expose your inner thoughts to the world.
He challenged me to only write about the good things in my blog for the rest of this new year, and I feel bad that I'm already falling short. I don't know...I'm just very mixed up I guess. I feel awful knowing that he might read this and feel bad--if you are reading this, please don't change anything that you do. You still may or may not be the most awesome individual I've ever met. :) Tomorrow, I'm going to give this whole "write only the good" thing a try and see what happens. Maybe I just needed a push from someone else to finally start recognizing the blessings in my own life.
But until tomorrow, I'll be sleepless, wondering if I've done or said too much. I'll pray for guidance and peace through silent tears. I'll re-read and re-live every single word I've written here, and hope against hope that I haven't screwed up too badly this time.
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