So, when did facebook get so accurate?

I finally broke down and added an application to my facebook profile--the daily horoscope one. I've never been super into horoscopes, but I thought I'd give it a try. This is my horoscope for today:

Today something you have worked hard for, or have been hoping to receive, may be realized or come to you, Virgo. Many of the astrological patterns of the day point to hidden things coming to the surface, or the discovery of something that was thought to be lost. This is all about your faith in your efforts, past, present and future. Avoid get-rich quick schemes; they may interfere with your process of attraction and manifestation. This is not a "your greatest treasure is love" omen either; it's about the tangible rewards of persistence and hope.

After reading this, I checked my email. I got an email about a job I interviewed for last year. This is a government job, with full benefits and a paycheck that's much larger than the one I'm currently receiving. It's not perfect, but it would be an improvement. This is my horoscope from yesterday:

You might be looking at friends through "rose-colored glasses" right now, Virgo, but that's all about to change. Today's all-day opportunity period is pushing you in a seriously analytical mood about others for a reason. Someone may be pressing you for some kind of agreement that may not be beneficial to you, but because of having an attitude of expecting things to fall into place, you may not recognize that a good contract does not mean a good deal. Look at others through the eye of truth today: relationships may change a bit, but for the better.

Today, a friend that I haven't talked to since high school sent me a message. We got to talking, and he seemed interested in me. I told him I was very selective and that I wasn't sure I was really what he was looking for, but he persisted. After quite a bit of witty banter, I learned that he just wanted a BG hookup (which, as my celibacy vow indicates, I am not down for). Once he found out the muffin shop was closed, he made a hasty exit.

Weird, huh? I'm not taking these things too seriously, but I just thought how funny how accurate they were. I'm not going to go nuts and start adding all kinds of applications, though. Facebook isn't that good.

Three Good Things:

• I'm currently planning my five-year high school reunion for this summer.
• I got a full night's sleep last night (even though I had to call into work).
• The snow is finally here!
  

Ordinary Day

I woke up this morning with a headache, so the morning started off a bit roughly. After eating lunch and taking an aspirin--and also treating myself to a double-scoop of Andes Candies frozen custard at Culver's--I was feeling much better. Now I'm sitting at work, counting down the minutes until I leave here to go home and pretend to sleep for a few hours before my part-time job. Same old, same old.

I've been trying to relax and clear my head, but something keeps bothering me. I'm not going to talk about it here just yet because I'm still trying to work things out in my head. I'll let you know when I get things figured out though. One think I can say is that I'm clearly not very good at interacting with men. I don't get them, and I'm pretty sure they don't get me either. Oh well. More later.

Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

Three Good Things:

• Andes Candies frozen custard at Culver's.
• I talked to my mommy this morning.
• I've got peanut butter Oreos waiting for me at home.
  

(I think I'm stress-eating; I keep mentioning food.)

Up

For those who heard about the potential Angry Ashley blow up that occurred yesterday, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better today. Definitely not at top form, but overall much happier. Things are looking up.

I've been struggling just a bit in the financial department, but that's nothing new. I'm also having trouble sleeping again; my mom recommended that I get some sleeping pills, but stuff like that scares me. I'm always afraid that I'm not going to wake up, and working for a hospice center makes fears like those much more real. I have to work my part-time job tonight (tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday too), so maybe that will help me knock out a little bit easier. If worst comes to worst, I'll break down and buy some Tylenol PM. Desperate times...

Also, I'm planning on taking my first GRE practice test this week, and I'm nervous as hell. I don't feel like I've studied nearly enough. I guess I'll find out where I stand when I actually take the test. Cross your fingers and say a prayer for me, please.

SS is...SS. We're friends, and I'm cool with that. And that's all I really have to say about that. Though I'm torn as to whether to send him something for Valentine's Day or not. I know it's early, but I went to Wal-Mart the other day and was bombarded with all kinds of V-Day items on display, so it's kind of fresh on my mind.

I'm not expecting to get anything--I don't expect anything from anyone on Valentine's Day, though my mom is good about buying me chocolates and other fattening things--but I'm not sure if I should send him something or not. I mean, I want to because I like him, but I'm concerned that sending a gift (albeit a small one) would breach the "friend" status. I'll think it over and let you know what I decide.

I'm about to take a lunch break now, then get back behind my desk and watch the clock count down to 4:30. Dinner and a nap at home, then work. I finally feel like I'm back in the swing of things.

I Can Transform Ya (featuring ...

Three Good Things:

• The sun is shining (though it's still freezing).
• I got another tax document in the mail today, so I should be able to file as soon as I get the cash.
• After lunch, I'm eating a York Peppermint Pattie.
  

Holding Back

I've noticed something about myself. Whenever I get upset about something, the anger doesn't come right away. Usually, the longer I think about something, the madder I get. I have no idea why this is, but that's the way I've always been.

I wrote a very angry post this morning, but I'm not going to publish it just yet. I need time to decide if this is a battle I really want to fight. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on, but this is something I'm not sure I want to give up on just yet. Hopefully I'll get some clarity from God; he's probably sick of hearing my prayers but I need a lot of help right now.

Today has been okay so far. I feel...different--kind of hesitant. Like I'm constantly second-guessing myself. It's very unsettling, but hopefully things will work out soon. I feel like I try very hard to make everyone happy. I can't do so much anymore; it's just making me frustrated. Whew. I just need a talk with God and a nap. Pray for me; my heart is hurting.

Three Good Things:

• Leftover chicken biryani for lunch.
• I finally have all of my tax info so I can file.
• Work tomorrow and Thursday at my part-time job for some extra cash.

Three Not-So-Good Things:

• Just got a $115 electricity bill.
• My head is pounding.
• It's FREEZING and the wind is cruel.

(Sorry, y'all. I had to get some not-good-things out of my head today.)

Smile

I'm feeling much better now. I'm about to start taking control of my life.

Step 1: The GRE and grad school.

Step 2: Getting out of credit card debt.

Step 3: Loving myself...by myself if I have to.

Breathe - Taylor Swift

Three Good Things:

• It's snowing and it's BEAUTIFUL.
• Katie's surprise birthday party tonight.
• I just had my first smile of the morning.
  

Already Gone

My heart hurts so badly I'm finding it hard to think. I feel like my magic carpet was just yanked from beneath me and now I'm plummeting toward the ground. I truly was not expecting this.

Last night SS said that we needed to have a serious conversation. Basically, he told me that he wasn't sure that he could handle the distance between us. He said that I was what he was looking for in a woman, but the one thing holding us back was the fact that he lived in Texas and I'm here in Kentucky.

I honestly don't know what to say. Immediately after our conversation ended I was on my knees, talking to God. I asked him for guidance, peace, and strength. I told him that my life was His and that whatever He wanted me to do was what I would do. Most of all, I prayed that SS wouldn't be hurt in this. I want him to be happy more than I want myself to be; I care about him so much more than anyone knows.

And now I don't know what to do. I'm perpetually on the verge of tears. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I really just need God to tell me what to do--I don't think He would give me something so wonderful just to take it away. SS is the man that I've been praying for, and I think that this is a test from God to see how hard we're willing to work for our blessing. Proverbs 14:23 says, "All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."

My self-confidence was rattled; what if he finds someone better, someone closer, someone who can do what I can't because there's 2000 miles between us? I know that I haven't done anything wrong, but this really threw me for a loop. I am truly at a loss for words (which, if you know me at all, doesn't happen very often).

Now I have to go to work and pretend that nothing's wrong, all the while wondering what's going to happen next. I'm trying my best to give this whole situation up to God; I know that he'll make everything work. I just feel very...helpless, I guess. I have a feeling that God and I are going to be talking a lot today.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Hea...

Three Good Things:

• I woke up this morning.
• It finally stopped raining.
• I went to church yesterday and got a great message.

(Coming up with these three things was so hard. I don't feel very good right now. But like I told SS, this problem could be so much bigger. We just have to rely on God to bring us through.)

The Too Much

SS mentioned his strengths and weaknesses in relationships to me the other day, and it made me start thinking about the things in my personality that I thought were benefits and detriments to my romantic relationships. So, I started a list:

Strengths:

1. I love hard. When I love someone, I love them with every single part of me.
2. I give. When I'm with someone, whatever I have, they have. If my baby wants it, I'll try my best to make it happen.
3. I'm ride or die. I'm extremely loyal, and I'll stay by my man's side through anything.
   
4. I'm affectionate. I really enjoy hugging and kissing and cuddling--all that lovey-dovey nonsense. I'm also a complimenter; if I like your outfit, shoes, face, whatever, I'll tell you about it.
5. I listen. I try my best not to make conversations about me. I tend to ask lots of open-ended questions so people will talk about themselves. I'm really interested in people, especially the people I care about. I also try to find a solution to every problem and a silver lining to every cloud.
   

Weaknesses:

1. I have expectations. This may be wrong, but whatever I give I expect in return. If I'm willing to go the extra mile for you, you should be willing to do the same.
   
2. I'm sensitive. I sometimes take things too seriously and my feelings get hurt.
   
3. I keep quiet. If I'm upset about something, I usually keep it to myself if it's not a huge deal. I like to pick my battles but sometimes that results in me being silent more often than speaking up.
   
4. I'm (slightly) jealous. You all know I've been working on my self-esteem, so it makes sense that watching my man interact with other girls would throw me off a bit. I'm not crazy jealous by any means, but I do get a slight twinge of jealousy sometimes.
   
5. I think too far ahead. I'm a planner by nature, and I tend to get ahead of myself when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think things are more serious than they actually are.

I've been thinking a lot about the man that God designed for me. I sometimes joke and say that I don't think I'll ever get married because I don't know how any man could put up with me for the rest of his life. But somewhere, there's a man who can deal with the person that I am--I know that God created him; I feel it. I wonder if he's looking for me too.

This is one of my favorite poems. I actually competed with this in a poetry program for speech my freshman year and got 5th in the nation. Christa Bell taught me that it's okay to love too much.

Christa Bell: 'The Too Much'


Three Good Things:

• I went to an oxygen bar in Nashville and it was AWESOME.
  
• I finally cleaned all the junk out of my car.
  
• I ate Ihop again. :)
  

Thanks...I think.

They say God never puts more on you than you can bear. If that's the case, I appreciate the compliment, God--you must think I'm the world's strongest woman.

Long story short, I bought a short-term insurance policy to cover me after my mom's insurance policy on me ran out. I went to the doctor twice, and somehow managed to amass over $1000 in charges--$700 of which I have to pay out of pocket. I've tried my hardest to get out of it, but Anthem won't budge. I swear, insurance companies have it made: you pay them for the policy and the deductible, and if they don't think they've made enough money they start charging out-of-network fees or denying claims based on the smallest technicalities. They've got the best hustle on the block.

Anyhow, I've stressed and cried and practically ripped my hair out in frustration over this situation, but what's done is done and there's nothing I can do to change it now. I will get through this. I'm just taking it as a compliment from God--He obviously thinks I can handle the pressure.

PS (SS, I heard this song yesterday and it reminded me of you. I haven't been able to get it--or you--out of my head, especially since I know you like Beyonce as much as I do. :) Oh, and thanks for making me feel precious. You are a wonderful man.)

Smash Into You - Beyoncé

Three Good Things:

• I just set up a payment plan for this $700 medical bill, so I have a year to pay it off (interest free).
  
• I should be receiving my first check from my part-time job pretty soon, and I'll be working there this weekend to earn a few more bucks.
  
• After months of impatient waiting and incessant cravings, I FINALLY GOT TO EAT AT IHOP.
  

A Woman's Worth

My mom sent this to me in an email today and I felt the need to share it.

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men......

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I didn't realize how just how much I was worth until recently; I'd been selling myself short for so long that I didn't think I was worth anything at all. Please take some time today to tell a woman you care about how precious she is to you. Trust me, she'll appreciate it more than you know. :)

This Woman's Work (Uncut) - Ma...

Three Good Things:

• I got a great night of sleep last night.
• One of my coworkers brought me some Twilight-themed valentine candy hearts with a gorgeous picture of Taylor Lautner (a.k.a. the werewolf Jacob Black) on the box.
• I FINALLY got my hair done and it looks GREAT.
  

Bad Day

Today has been rough to say the least. Time to think of the good things.

Baby Don't Cry (Keep Ya Head U...

Three Good Things:

• I woke up this morning.
• I have a reliable job that pays me enough to get the things I need.
• SS. He's awesome, and always there when I need a smile. Thank you.
  

Defying Gravity

It feels like forever since I last posted, but life has been picking up and I'm trying to stay afloat. I started my part-time job on Monday night and it honestly wasn't as bad as I though it would be. I literally picked up trash, swept, and mopped. Not too complicated, right?

I was there from 9 p.m. until just after midnight, but once I got home I couldn't sleep. Ever since then, I've been having issues when it comes to getting some shut-eye. For some reason I'm just not tired. Maybe I just need some time to get adjusted. It also doesn't help that, just as I'm finally dozing off, my phone starts blowing up with text messages and phone calls. (Seriously, do you need to discuss finding a place to stay until your dorm opens at midnight??? You need to make those type of calls during business hours, sir. I'm trying to sleep.)

But I'm working tonight and tomorrow night as well, so hopefully I'll be good and tired so I can sleep well Friday night (which, coincidentally, is when Mr. I-need-somewhere-to-stay-for-so-I'm-going-to-text-you-a-million-times-while-you're-sleeping is getting back in town. Okay, I'm done ranting now.). I swear, if I'm not tired after that then I'm gonna have to break down and invest in some Ambien. Or some alcohol. Whichever.

The real reason I wanted to write today is because, all of a sudden, I've gotten tired of playing by other people's rules. Sometimes I just want things to happen on my terms, you know? I'm the type of person who constantly works to make other people happy and comfortable, and a lot of times that comes at the sacrifice of my comfort and happiness. Sometimes I want to be pursued, coddled, and taken care of. But I'm not too worried about it. It makes me happy to do things for others; sometimes I'd just like something in return. But it's better to give than to receive, and I know that God's gift of grace for selflessness is much better than any earthly gift.

Defying Gravity - Glee Cast

Three Good Things:

• I treated myself to dinner at Culver's yesterday.
• I get paid weekly at my part-time job, so I'll consistently have extra money coming in pretty soon.
• I'm going home to spend some time with my family (and do laundry) on Sunday.

"Move it, Football Head!"

Do you remember the show 'Hey Arnold'? It was a cartoon that aired on Nickelodeon in the 90s--you know, football-headed kid and his friends living in the city? Well, I love that show; I've got the first two seasons on dvd and hope to get the next three soon (feel free to send me some money for that).

Anyway, the character Helga was obsessed with Arnold; she was desperately in love with the kid. But she kept it a secret and, as far as I know, never told him how she felt about him. I was watching the show today and a thought occurred to me: Why didn't Helga just tell Arnold how she felt, tell him the truth? I wonder if things would have turned out differently. Maybe Arnold would have ended up liking her too. Sorry if this is random, but the thought just came into my head and I felt like sharing. :)

Today was a pretty nice day. I ran a few errands in the morning, then spent most of the afternoon watching 'Dexter: Season 1'. I made myself dinner, painted my nails--overall a very nice evening. It was just missing one thing (and if you guessed SS, you're right). I think about him a lot; he's something I've been waiting for for a long time. I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up about him, though--just take things as they come and let God lead the way. God knows what he's doing, and I'm just going to put my faith in Him--he's never steered me wrong before.

Three Good Things:

• I will hopefully start my part-time job this week to make some extra money.
  
• I only smudged one nail when I painted them today (a vast improvement, trust me).
  
• Church tomorrow morning!
  

Happy Black Girl

If you guys know me at all, you know I'm a huge Twitter fan. I'm constantly tweeting what I'm doing, where I am, and what I'm thinking, and I'm always trying to get others to do the same. Heck, there's even a Twitter widget on this blog. (Look to the left. Now down just a bit...see it? Good. And if you don't have a Twitter account, get one NOW! And then request to follow me. Thanks.)

One of my good friends and favorite poets, Saeed Jones, is one of the few people I consider a bigger Twitter junkie than myself. He's constantly tweeting about his poetry, his friends, and just the things that he feels need to be said. One of his tweets was something he re-posted from one of his friends. It said one thing over and over: happyblackgirl.

For my whole live I've been a certain "type" of black girl: the smart black girl, the sexy black girl, the sassy black girl, the lonely black girl, and (one of my least favorite) the "white" black girl. But now I'm claiming the title of "happy black girl" for myself. I finally feel happy and fulfilled. I love my family, my friends, my job, my apartment...my life. Right now things are exactly where they need to be and I have to thank God for that.

Happy - Natasha Bedingfield

Three Good Things:

• It's snowing and it's BEAUTIFUL.
• I'm having dinner tonight with a close friend (but I'll make sure my diet stays in check).
  
• SS made it safely to California for the national championship game--GO LONGHORNS!

Clean Up Woman

I'm starting to think that me updating this blog so often is a curse as well as a blessing. Granted, I'm keeping up you up to date with all the things that are going on in my life, but I'm starting to run out of things to write about. I don't want to bore you to death with all the droll details of my ordinary life, so please let me know if things start getting trite and I'll try to spice things up a bit. How, I'm not sure yet, but I promise you I'll try.

Today I started keeping a food journal of all the things I eat. It's really beneficial to see all the calories you take in written down on paper--you can't deny them when they're in black and white. My problem is that I forget to write stuff down. Hopefully I won't have this issue forever (it's only my first day writing in the damn thing) and keeping this food diary will help me lose the few extra pounds I've been complaining about.

One of my main reasons for wanting to lose a few is because of the traveling I hope to do in the next few months. Speech nationals are in April, and I have to look my best if my former DOF (Director of Forensics) asks me to come and judge for them. I REFUSE to have my former competitors look and me and whisper amongst themselves about how fat I've gotten. (Not that I think I'm fat, but five pounds always looks like 10 to the people who haven't seen you in a while.) I really hope I get to go to nationals with the team; I miss speech more than I can say. I also need to see the people that I love from the circuit--I miss my speech boos!

Speaking of boos...well, sort-of boos (maybe), I was invited by SS* yesterday to fly out for his college graduation in May. Needless to say I'm ridiculously excited about this, and even looked up a few flights today while I was at work. I'm hesitant to book one, though, at least until I get confirmation details from him. I also need to save up some money to pay for it. Do you know how much flights cost these days??? Too damn much! I do hope things work out though; I'm really looking forward to sharing a really important moment with someone I really care for. Plus, the town he lives in has an Ihop, where I'll probably put back on all the weight I plan to lose. Strawberry banana pancakes are my weakness, y'all.

But hopefully I'll have some extra cash pretty soon; I got a part-time job today. I haven't actually been hired yet (I have to take a drug test tomorrow and wait for those results to come back) but I'm extremely confident I'll get the job. The position would be cleaning up the basketball arena on campus after games and concerts; I know how to use a mop and broom--plus I have a bachelors' degree--so I definitely feel qualified for the job. The downside? Cleaning from 9 p.m. to midnight--or later. But the lack of sleep will be more than worth the extra cash. And it's not like I haven't lived off 4 hours of sleep before. Remember senior year of college, when I had a full-time management job, was both a speech team member AND a prophyte in my sorority? Yeah. I do too. I didn't go to college so I could clean up after people, but I'm humble--there are plenty of people who would love to have this job or ANY job.

So that's what's been happening in my life thus far. I'm about to do a workout video in my living room (don't laugh) and then just relax at home for the rest of the night. If anything pops off, you'll be the first to know. Oh, and I'm also posting a fun song for you--I heard it on AOL Radio earlier and it's been stuck in my head all day!

Three Good Things:

• I'm actually looking forward to working out right now.
• A lady at work complimented my nail polish today (I told SS that pink was a good color!)
• If the weather is too bad tomorrow, the office will be closed a.k.a. I won't have to go to work!

Let's Hear It For The Boy (Alb...

*Since I always refer to this gentleman as "someone special," I'm going to make his formal name Someone Special (or SS) for the purposes of this blog. I would just say his name, but I don't want all my bidness out in the streets. Plus, he knows who he is. ;)

Cutting Back

It's official: I'm starting a diet tomorrow. What brought on this sudden decision, you ask? Long story short--I went to the doctor this afternoon. They made me get on a scale. The number on that scale was larger than I wanted it to be. So I'm going to start dieting. I'm actually kind of looking forward to seeing the new, smaller me. :)

Three Good Things:

• I made some delicious jambalaya for dinner.
• I worked out to an exercise video in my living room.
• I'm talking to someone special on the phone RIGHT NOW. :)
  

A Great Feeling

Psalm 3:

"O Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me,
'God will not deliver him.'

But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Arise, O Lord!
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people."

When I first read this passage, I felt something within me respond. Though I don't have an angry mob of people surrounding me, sometimes negative feelings and general worries do try to bring me down. I finally realize that everything I worry about and stress over is nothing to God; all of the problems that are too large for me are an easy fix for Him. I'm the type of person who worries over EVERYTHING--I'm a Virgo; that's just what we do. But now I'm trying to teach myself that anything I can't solve, God can. And that's a great feeling. :)

This doesn't mean that I'm going to spend excessively, neglect my work obligations, and just wild out in general. I'm just going to do my best to behave responsibly, and know that God will take care of the rest for me. I hope y'all have a wonderful day!

Three Good Things:

• I only have half a day at the office today (I've got a doctor's appointment this afternoon).
• I drank some delicious hot chocolate this morning.
• I got caught up on my sleep last night.
  

"Take a deep breath, girl."

Whew! Hectic is a VAST understatement for what's been going on at work today. The phone's been ringing off the hook, my desk is completely covered in paperwork--typical Monday-after-a-holiday hysteria. Things have finally started to slow down (knock on wood), so I thought I'd take a few minutes to let you know what's been going on.

After last night's meltdown and a few encouraging words from someone special, I'm feeling much better. In keeping with the advice of an extremely wise and amazingly gorgeous man, I will now list three good things about my life/day at the end of every post. This is a great way to count my blessings and give myself an instant mood lift. So, here goes!

Three Good Things:

• I got free pizza for lunch today at work.
• It's supposed to snow this weekend.
• I have been craving pickles for the past two days, so I'm going to buy myself a jar after work today.
  

I'm planning on just staying in tonight; I'll probably watch a movie, wash my hair, read more of my GRE prep book, and clean up my apartment a bit. Hopefully I'll get to bed a bit earlier to catch up on the sleep I missed last night. Speaking of missing sleep, the fact that I couldn't fall asleep last night seems like a bad thing, right? But I used the time that I was awake to read my bible, and I found a verse that really spoke to me:

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will also show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3: 19-27, 31-33

See? I'm getting better at looking on the bright side already. :)

Tied Together With a Smile

I may or may not have made a big mistake. Writing here has been really cathartic for me; it's nice to be able to vent without having anyone judge or criticize. I guess I was hiding behind the fact that I thought no one would actually pay attention to anything I say here.

But now people--actually one person--knows about and has read the things I've written here. It's exhilarating and embarrassing all at once; I'm torn between the desire to finally share what I really think with someone and the fear that he'll run screaming once he sees what goes on inside my head. I've had way more lows than highs and I don't want him seeing how...damaged I am (or at least how damaged I feel at times). But I guess that's the risk you take when you expose your inner thoughts to the world.

He challenged me to only write about the good things in my blog for the rest of this new year, and I feel bad that I'm already falling short. I don't know...I'm just very mixed up I guess. I feel awful knowing that he might read this and feel bad--if you are reading this, please don't change anything that you do. You still may or may not be the most awesome individual I've ever met. :) Tomorrow, I'm going to give this whole "write only the good" thing a try and see what happens. Maybe I just needed a push from someone else to finally start recognizing the blessings in my own life.

But until tomorrow, I'll be sleepless, wondering if I've done or said too much. I'll pray for guidance and peace through silent tears. I'll re-read and re-live every single word I've written here, and hope against hope that I haven't screwed up too badly this time.

Tied Together with a Smile - T...

"I can't do this without you."

Last night I was talking to a friend on the phone and he said something that I've been waiting to hear my whole life. This particular gentleman, who I competed with on the speech and debate circuit, told me that he's too old to play games; at this point in his life, he's searching for his future wife.

I was literally shocked to tears. I've never heard a man say that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Especially someone like this guy: 23-years-old, college educated, no children, and as handsome as they come. I told him that I was going to get up and go to church just to thank God for what he'd said...and I did.

This morning, for the first time in a long time, I went to church. I sat in the front and listened to a service that felt like it was written just for me. Tears rolled down my face when my pastor asked everyone who'd ever felt unloved to raise their hands, then told us that Jesus loved us so much that he died to save us from ourselves.

During the alter call I just kept praying to God, "I can't do this without you." I can't get through a single day without His grace. The only way I could ever even come close to repaying Jesus for his sacrifice is to life my life in His image, and tell people about His love.

God really works in mysterious ways. I'm trying very hard not to get ahead of myself with this man, but he's been wonderful so far and I can't wait to get to know him better. You know how sometimes you just know that you're in the right place at the right time? That's how I feel about my life right now. I'm just taking things day by day from now on, waiting to see what God has in store for me.

New

Happy 2010 everyone! I can't believe a whole decade has passed already--where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday I was checking out Baby-Sitters Club books from the library, anxiously anticipating going to high school. Life is flying by so fast.

Yesterday I started off the new year in a huge way...I got my first tattoo. I immediately fell in love with it; it's perfect! People told me that tattoos were addictive, and now I actually believe them (I'm already planning my next one). 2010 has been amazing (so far) and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. Have a good day!