I grew up an only child for most of my life. Though my mom's boyfriend's son (complicated, I know) did come and live with us, he came when I was in eighth grade and left after my junior year of high school. I was practically grown by then, so I don't really count that experience--and also because we mostly stayed out of each other's way. I'm used to being by myself, so I don't mind it that much. Sometimes, though, it gets to me.
My apartment is completely across town from where all of my friends live, so going to hang out with them is kind of a trek. I also work full-time, so a lot of times I have to leave early because I have work the next day or I'm just too tired to hang out after a full day of work. Which is understandable (at least it is to me), but it doesn't make things much easier or much fun.
I guess sometimes I just feel left out of things. Like I'm not really a part of the loop. Everyone else seems like they don't have too many worries, that summer is really summer--something to enjoy. I'm only 21 and I feel so much older than I am. I'm constantly worried about bills and work and being responsible. I think that's what I should be doing, but I feel left out of everything else. I don't know. I guess that, behind the capable, confident, adult me there's someone who's just...lonely. Did I grow up too fast? I'm not sure anymore.
My mom always said, "The only person you can depend on is yourself." I believe that to be true, but I don't want to live my life alone either. I think I need to branch out, meet some new people. I found an interesting quotation today that kind of sums up how I feel about all this: "It is a very lonely life that a man leads, who becomes aware of truths before their times." -Thomas Brackett Reed
Saturday, June 27, 2009
"Move it, Football Head!"
I finally got Seasons 1 and 2 of 'Hey Arnold!' on DVD. Laughter really is the best medicine.
Friday, June 26, 2009
"There's a place in your heart, and I know that it is love..."
Michael Jackson passed away today. I'm at a loss for what to say or do. I've always been a huge fan of Michael--I can remember writing in my Lisa Frank diary about how upset I was when he married Lisa Marie Presley because I wanted him to marry me instead. 'The Jacksons: An American Dream' was always one of my favorite movies, and I recorded it onto VHS and would watch it over and over and over (and I never missed the showings on VH1 or BET); I can't remember not being completely impressed by his talent. People always looked at me like I was completely nuts when I told them how much I loved Michael Jackson, but I never backed down. No one could even come close to him in my mind.
Now that he's gone, I feel like my childhood has ended. Michael Jackson was someone I've loved from a very young age, and now that he's gone it feels like the end of an era. I think the hardest thing to deal with is that Michael was a constant connection to my father. My dad loved the Jackson 5 and played their music constantly around the house; he loved Michael's solo work just as much. I remember sitting in the living room with him, eating fresh garden tomatoes with salt and watching 'The Jacksons: An American Dream'. Our shared love of Michael Jackson was something that made me feel closer to my dad.
Now that Michael's gone, it feels like I lost my dad all over again. I'm grieving not only for Michael, but for my father as well. I still want to believe that Michael planned all of this so he could get out of the public eye, and now he's on an island somewhere living a life filled with laughter. I know that, in Heaven, my father is so excited to finally meet Michael and tell him how much he appreciated his music. I appreciate both of them for being such large parts of my life, and hope they both found the peace that they deserve.
Now that he's gone, I feel like my childhood has ended. Michael Jackson was someone I've loved from a very young age, and now that he's gone it feels like the end of an era. I think the hardest thing to deal with is that Michael was a constant connection to my father. My dad loved the Jackson 5 and played their music constantly around the house; he loved Michael's solo work just as much. I remember sitting in the living room with him, eating fresh garden tomatoes with salt and watching 'The Jacksons: An American Dream'. Our shared love of Michael Jackson was something that made me feel closer to my dad.
Now that Michael's gone, it feels like I lost my dad all over again. I'm grieving not only for Michael, but for my father as well. I still want to believe that Michael planned all of this so he could get out of the public eye, and now he's on an island somewhere living a life filled with laughter. I know that, in Heaven, my father is so excited to finally meet Michael and tell him how much he appreciated his music. I appreciate both of them for being such large parts of my life, and hope they both found the peace that they deserve.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sunrise, Sunset
Today was a loooooong day. I woke up at sunrise after a night full of crazy dreams and just couldn't seem to get back to sleep--my head was full of to-do lists and worries that I'd oversleep. I had to be at work at 9 this morning, but ended up going in at 8:30 to revamp a few tables that were looking pretty empty. After opening the store, I proceed to cater to the citizens of Bowling Green and all their bra, panty, and beauty needs.
The day is slow and the store fairly empty; we don't make our goals and I have to cut shifts and work with just one other person--this proceeds to get hectic when things get busy. I work and work and work...and then get a call about a job offer I've been considering that's pretty sweet. [More on that in another post.] Around 5, the other managers go for their hour-long weekly meeting. I'm supposed to get off at six as soon as they finish up.
Six comes...then six-thirty...seven. A thunderstorm is raging outside and I really just want to go home. Finally--at seven-thirty--the other managers roll in and I'm allowed to leave. I don't really mind (I love working more because overtime pay is sweet) but I was really looking forward to getting home before the sun went down--maybe next time. Tomorrow is my day off and I'm thanking Jesus for it; I need to get some things done. I open again on Wednesday, and hopefully then I'll be able to leave before sunset.
The day is slow and the store fairly empty; we don't make our goals and I have to cut shifts and work with just one other person--this proceeds to get hectic when things get busy. I work and work and work...and then get a call about a job offer I've been considering that's pretty sweet. [More on that in another post.] Around 5, the other managers go for their hour-long weekly meeting. I'm supposed to get off at six as soon as they finish up.
Six comes...then six-thirty...seven. A thunderstorm is raging outside and I really just want to go home. Finally--at seven-thirty--the other managers roll in and I'm allowed to leave. I don't really mind (I love working more because overtime pay is sweet) but I was really looking forward to getting home before the sun went down--maybe next time. Tomorrow is my day off and I'm thanking Jesus for it; I need to get some things done. I open again on Wednesday, and hopefully then I'll be able to leave before sunset.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A Gift to Give
I went to Bible study this morning for the first time in a long time. I know it's bad that I haven't been, but better late than not at all; I know I need to work on making myself right in Jesus before the rest of my life can fall into place.
In order to help myself remember the things I've learned and also to spread the word of God, I'm going to be giving a brief synopsis of the lessons on here every Sunday. That way I'll reinforce the teachings and, hopefully, teach someone else something too. So, here it goes:
"What is the church?"
Focus: Ephesians (scripture taken from the New International Version)
The church can be described as the building where worship happens, a congregation of followers, people united by faith in the same location, services organized to worship God, etc.
Ch. 1:
Ver. 3-5: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed up in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--"
[God created the church before he created anything else; we were made to be his holy working body on Earth--it was our destiny to do so.]
Ver. 21-23: "far above all rule and authority, power, and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."
[God is the ultimate ruler of the church. Pastors, ministers--everyone must first submit to God's will, regardless of their title within the church. The church is the body of Christ; it fulfills his plan through its actions.]
Ch. 3:
Ver. 20-21: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is a work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
[The church should give all glory to Jesus first and foremost. Only through God are any of the accomplishments the church makes possible.]
Ch. 4:
Ver. 4-7: "There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism: one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it."
[Regardless of the different denominations and religions, there is one God and we are one united church in Him. Though God may be called different names and churches may practice differently, we are ultimately need to lift the name of the Lord. Don't bash other denominations or religions--they are our brothers and sisters in Christ.]
Ver. 11-16: "It was some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we weill not longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From him the whole body, joined and heald together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
[We each have our own talents, a special gift to give. We should all use our individual talents to spread the word of God and build a might church for him. Though each denomination is different, we all need to work together for Jesus and love one another despite our differences.]
Ch. 5:
Ver. 22-25: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"
[This isn's just about the church and its marriage to God. The church is the wife of God, so we must always submit to his will before our own. He loved us enough to give his life for us, so we should always follow his word and do his will."
Overall, I feel much more empowered now that I know what the church is supposed to do and how it is an extension of Jesus Christ. It makes me feel less alone to know that regardless of if we're Baptist, Pentecostal, Catholic or anything else, we're all supposed to put our differences aside and put God first. I'm really looking forward to continuing this discussion next week and learning more about the person God wants me to be.
In order to help myself remember the things I've learned and also to spread the word of God, I'm going to be giving a brief synopsis of the lessons on here every Sunday. That way I'll reinforce the teachings and, hopefully, teach someone else something too. So, here it goes:
"What is the church?"
Focus: Ephesians (scripture taken from the New International Version)
The church can be described as the building where worship happens, a congregation of followers, people united by faith in the same location, services organized to worship God, etc.
Ch. 1:
Ver. 3-5: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed up in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--"
[God created the church before he created anything else; we were made to be his holy working body on Earth--it was our destiny to do so.]
Ver. 21-23: "far above all rule and authority, power, and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."
[God is the ultimate ruler of the church. Pastors, ministers--everyone must first submit to God's will, regardless of their title within the church. The church is the body of Christ; it fulfills his plan through its actions.]
Ch. 3:
Ver. 20-21: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is a work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
[The church should give all glory to Jesus first and foremost. Only through God are any of the accomplishments the church makes possible.]
Ch. 4:
Ver. 4-7: "There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism: one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it."
[Regardless of the different denominations and religions, there is one God and we are one united church in Him. Though God may be called different names and churches may practice differently, we are ultimately need to lift the name of the Lord. Don't bash other denominations or religions--they are our brothers and sisters in Christ.]
Ver. 11-16: "It was some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we weill not longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From him the whole body, joined and heald together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
[We each have our own talents, a special gift to give. We should all use our individual talents to spread the word of God and build a might church for him. Though each denomination is different, we all need to work together for Jesus and love one another despite our differences.]
Ch. 5:
Ver. 22-25: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"
[This isn's just about the church and its marriage to God. The church is the wife of God, so we must always submit to his will before our own. He loved us enough to give his life for us, so we should always follow his word and do his will."
Overall, I feel much more empowered now that I know what the church is supposed to do and how it is an extension of Jesus Christ. It makes me feel less alone to know that regardless of if we're Baptist, Pentecostal, Catholic or anything else, we're all supposed to put our differences aside and put God first. I'm really looking forward to continuing this discussion next week and learning more about the person God wants me to be.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Father's Day
Father's Day is tomorrow, and I approach the holiday with a combination of sadness, anger, and guilt. As you may or may not know, my father died when I was thirteen. He died after a divorce from my mom which allowed me to see him only every other weekend, and sometimes not even that much. I can't remember many phone calls, birthday cards, or Christmas gifts from him before he passed.
What I can remember, though, is how he looked the last time I saw him. He was progressively getting sicker and sicker, so my mom drove me to see him. He looked a little thinner, a little grayer, but he greeted me with a smile and spent all of his time trying to make me as comfortable as possible--getting me snacks and drinks, asking me about my life, cracking jokes to make me smile. I left not knowing that would be the last time we would speak. Not much later, I awake one Sunday morning with a feeling of dread--I knew that day was my father's last day on Earth. And sure enough, Mom came in later that night with tears in her eyes to tell me the news.
Each year it's gotten tougher and tougher to remember the small details about our relationship, and I am so ashamed of that. He is half of what I am, and I want to make sure that mi children know about their skinny, funny, Kentucky Wildcats-loving grandfather. My dad's side of the family doesn't have much to do with me. The last time I saw them was at my high school graduation four years ago; I sent them an invitation to my college graduation with no reply or response whatsoever. It hurts, but I'm just waiting for them to come around. I shouldn't have to beg them to be a part of my life.
Last night some of the girls were talking about the gifts they got their father's for tomorrow, and I just stayed quiet. I have nothing to give and no one to give it to. I want to take a trip to where my dad is buried, but since I'm working tomorrow I won't be able to do that--it will have to wait. I want to find something special to take when I go, something to show Daddy that I haven't forgotten him and don't intend to. Everyone always says my mom and I look just alike, to which I reply, "Well, you've never seen my dad." I hope he's proud of the things I've done; I miss him more and more every day.
What I can remember, though, is how he looked the last time I saw him. He was progressively getting sicker and sicker, so my mom drove me to see him. He looked a little thinner, a little grayer, but he greeted me with a smile and spent all of his time trying to make me as comfortable as possible--getting me snacks and drinks, asking me about my life, cracking jokes to make me smile. I left not knowing that would be the last time we would speak. Not much later, I awake one Sunday morning with a feeling of dread--I knew that day was my father's last day on Earth. And sure enough, Mom came in later that night with tears in her eyes to tell me the news.
Each year it's gotten tougher and tougher to remember the small details about our relationship, and I am so ashamed of that. He is half of what I am, and I want to make sure that mi children know about their skinny, funny, Kentucky Wildcats-loving grandfather. My dad's side of the family doesn't have much to do with me. The last time I saw them was at my high school graduation four years ago; I sent them an invitation to my college graduation with no reply or response whatsoever. It hurts, but I'm just waiting for them to come around. I shouldn't have to beg them to be a part of my life.
Last night some of the girls were talking about the gifts they got their father's for tomorrow, and I just stayed quiet. I have nothing to give and no one to give it to. I want to take a trip to where my dad is buried, but since I'm working tomorrow I won't be able to do that--it will have to wait. I want to find something special to take when I go, something to show Daddy that I haven't forgotten him and don't intend to. Everyone always says my mom and I look just alike, to which I reply, "Well, you've never seen my dad." I hope he's proud of the things I've done; I miss him more and more every day.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Release
I've written a little bit of poetry but have always been hesitant to share it with people. I mean, what if it sucks and I humiliate myself? Not only that, but my poems tend to be very personal--I'm not sure I want everyone being all up in my bidnass. But nevertheless, I got the urge to share a poem with y'all tonight. I've had some pent-up frustration, and I think writing is a great way to release it all. I'm planning on writing more in the near future to keep myself sane; maybe I'll share again sometime. Let me know what you think.
The One I Gave My Heart To
How could the one I gave my heart to,
ask me for it back?
After he decided it was too good to keep close
That hurt the most
Not eating for days
Not sleeping for weeks
Looking at the phone
Waiting
For him to come back to me
Saying it was all a joke
And he knew his place
And he was ready for our hearts to
Return to the same space.
But that day didn’t come
In a month, even two.
No, he waited two years
To make up his mind on what to do.
But by then, I’d moved on
Tried love and failed it
Wanting to make men love me
I’d do anything it took
Because the idea of them leaving me
Just had me shook
Because if I’m “too good”
I’ve got to be better
Got to change
Rearrange
Create a new plan for the game
To make myself forget about him
And his ways
How his smile and his style highlighted all of my days
And how he promised me one day
That our last names would be the same
but somehow he worked his way
back into the frame
promising a new him
for the
new me
and talking on and on about how he was
so, so, so sorry
and for a while,
I went along for the ride
But something was always nagging me
Inside
The only one I gave my heart to
Asked me for it back
But inside I knew that
I just couldn’t do that.
Sometimes a woman
Has to refuse to go back
And not because she’s scared
But because she’s worth more than that.
And he knows who he is
And that he’ll always have his place
And that at one point our hearts occupied the same space
But now I’ve moved on
And I hope he has too
And to the one I once gave my heart,
I now give this poem to.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
An...Interesting Surprise
Well. I certainly didn't see that one coming.
I'm currently hanging out with my lovely wife Katie, keeping her company while she works the front desk at Nerd Camp. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing. Hoping it's my boyfriend calling to tell me good night, I grab it and take a look at the number...and I don't recognize it. It's from the 502 area code (the Louisville area) and I can't think of anyone who would be calling me from there--especially at this time of night. I press a button and take the call with a hesitant, "Hello?"
A Latino accent hits my ear and my eyes roll skyward in exasperation. It's an ex of mine. And not just any old ex, but one that I told explicitly never to call me again and was saved as "Do Not Answer" in my cell phone (that is, before it ended up in the sewer system of Jefferson County). He's asks me how I am and I reply with a terse, "Fine." I'm then obligated to ask him how he's doing--it would be un-Southern if I didn't at least pretend to be polite to him.
He asks me what I'm doing on Thursday night, the ONE night of the week I have off. Damn. He invites me to a local bar to hang out with him and some of his frat brothers. I don't have anything else to do but really don't want to hang out with him, and answer with a simple, "I'll see what I can do." He laughs and starts to end the conversation, but I interrupt him.
"Why did you call me?"
"I told you, to see which people were in town."
"I know, but we haven't talked in forever."
"Yeah, but I thought that was all water under the bridge."
(The somewhat...dirty water he's speaking of is the fact that he was the first guy I dated after my boyfriend of two years dumped me, and he then ended our quasi-relationship to try to work things out with his ex. When that didn't work he was calling me again, but it was clear that he just wanted one thing from me--and I think you know what that one thing is. Our last conversation ended with him basically asking me if we could be sex buddies and me telling him that I didn't have time for his bullshit and to never call me again. He called me a child for not being willing to sleep with him whenever he wanted.)
"...Yeah."
I don't hate him, but I don't want to be friend with him either. I've seen what kind of person he is, and it's not really one that I want in my life right now (which, by the way, is pretty damn good). I told him about graduating from college, working full-time, and how awesome my boyfriend is at the very end of our five minute conversation, so he knows that I'm over him and his foolishness. I've got too much going for me to even worry about him now.
I used to smile every time I heard that Dominican accent. Now, it just makes me roll my eyes, sigh, and wonder what ridiculousness I'm going to hear next. I'm probably going to go on Thursday to socialize with my bruhs and enjoy my night off--I do want to go out and have a good time, after all. But I won't be worrying too much about what this particular person does or says. I had to go through some bad times in order to truly savor the good ones.
I'm currently hanging out with my lovely wife Katie, keeping her company while she works the front desk at Nerd Camp. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing. Hoping it's my boyfriend calling to tell me good night, I grab it and take a look at the number...and I don't recognize it. It's from the 502 area code (the Louisville area) and I can't think of anyone who would be calling me from there--especially at this time of night. I press a button and take the call with a hesitant, "Hello?"
A Latino accent hits my ear and my eyes roll skyward in exasperation. It's an ex of mine. And not just any old ex, but one that I told explicitly never to call me again and was saved as "Do Not Answer" in my cell phone (that is, before it ended up in the sewer system of Jefferson County). He's asks me how I am and I reply with a terse, "Fine." I'm then obligated to ask him how he's doing--it would be un-Southern if I didn't at least pretend to be polite to him.
He asks me what I'm doing on Thursday night, the ONE night of the week I have off. Damn. He invites me to a local bar to hang out with him and some of his frat brothers. I don't have anything else to do but really don't want to hang out with him, and answer with a simple, "I'll see what I can do." He laughs and starts to end the conversation, but I interrupt him.
"Why did you call me?"
"I told you, to see which people were in town."
"I know, but we haven't talked in forever."
"Yeah, but I thought that was all water under the bridge."
(The somewhat...dirty water he's speaking of is the fact that he was the first guy I dated after my boyfriend of two years dumped me, and he then ended our quasi-relationship to try to work things out with his ex. When that didn't work he was calling me again, but it was clear that he just wanted one thing from me--and I think you know what that one thing is. Our last conversation ended with him basically asking me if we could be sex buddies and me telling him that I didn't have time for his bullshit and to never call me again. He called me a child for not being willing to sleep with him whenever he wanted.)
"...Yeah."
I don't hate him, but I don't want to be friend with him either. I've seen what kind of person he is, and it's not really one that I want in my life right now (which, by the way, is pretty damn good). I told him about graduating from college, working full-time, and how awesome my boyfriend is at the very end of our five minute conversation, so he knows that I'm over him and his foolishness. I've got too much going for me to even worry about him now.
I used to smile every time I heard that Dominican accent. Now, it just makes me roll my eyes, sigh, and wonder what ridiculousness I'm going to hear next. I'm probably going to go on Thursday to socialize with my bruhs and enjoy my night off--I do want to go out and have a good time, after all. But I won't be worrying too much about what this particular person does or says. I had to go through some bad times in order to truly savor the good ones.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Make it last forever...
Everyone I know is getting married. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen--all of the girls at work, people I went to high school with, everyone I come in CONTACT with is engaged, for the love of everything! And I feel so...left out.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get hitched just yet. I can barely take care of myself, so how on God's green earth am I supposed to take care of someone else? I just miss...romance. Waking up next to someone, going through your day with them by your side, falling asleep in their arms at night...then waking up and doing it all again. I know that's the chick flick, Danielle Steele, movie-star-picture-perfect version of love that doesn't exist in real life, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.
I'm dating someone right now who lives 3,000 miles away. Needless to say, waking up next to him is impossible at this point. But I'm looking forward to seeing where things go. He's a great guy, and I'm lucky to have him. But I'm nowhere near ready for marriage right now. I still have to figure out who I am before I can commit myself to someone else.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get hitched just yet. I can barely take care of myself, so how on God's green earth am I supposed to take care of someone else? I just miss...romance. Waking up next to someone, going through your day with them by your side, falling asleep in their arms at night...then waking up and doing it all again. I know that's the chick flick, Danielle Steele, movie-star-picture-perfect version of love that doesn't exist in real life, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.
I'm dating someone right now who lives 3,000 miles away. Needless to say, waking up next to him is impossible at this point. But I'm looking forward to seeing where things go. He's a great guy, and I'm lucky to have him. But I'm nowhere near ready for marriage right now. I still have to figure out who I am before I can commit myself to someone else.
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