Just me, myself, and I...

After a hilarious heart-to-heart with my friend Chad last night, I've decided to return to the world of blogging. I know I've promised again and again that I would write more frequently, but those were empty promises--and yes, I'm horribly ashamed. But now I'm back on the blog-wagon and ready to start talking about...whatever pops into my head.

And now it's time to be honest with you. It wasn't just my being busy that kept me from writing. I honestly didn't think that anyone cared what I had to say. I had no idea that people actually read this thing. I guess I figured that, since no one really paid attention to my ramblings, I might as well be quiet. And that's something I'm trying to change.

For the longest time I did things because of whether it made other people happy or not. There was a time in my life where my self-worth was wholly based on what other people (especially men) though of me. It was a really dark time; I've still got the emotional scars. But I'm working on being happy because I like who I am, not because someone else likes who I'm pretending to be.

Part of this renovation of self I'm undertaking is a celibacy vow. Yes, I said it. The muffin shop is closed until I meet someone worthy of a grand re-opening. So far things are going well, though there are times that I struggle.

For example, a guy I dated (sort of) a few years back recently popped back into my life. We had dinner and laughed and talked and all that lovey dovey mess--I thought things were going really well. Then,inevitably, the intimacy question popped up. I said I wasn't ready for that, and immediately he tells me to "just relax and let things happen," which I've learned is code for, "just lay there and let me take your clothes off." When I said no deal, he disappeared for a few days.

Now, Old Ashley would have handled this situation in one of two ways: 1.) Given up the goods in the first place, thinking that he'd like her more and want to date her; or 2.) Said no, felt really guilty about saying no, then gave up the goods out of fear that he'd leave. The outcome would be the same regardless--he would leave, and Old Ashley would be alone. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.

But New Ashley isn't going out like that! I said no, and for a while I morphed into Old Ashley and felt guilty about it and worried that he'd leave. But then I realized that I didn't want him to stay if that was all he wanted from me. So I stayed strong and held out. :) It baffles me that so many men would find it offensive that I'm making a decision to feel better about myself. But those guys aren't real men anyway; a real man would respect me for my decision and work hard to show me that he's the one I should choose.

But anyway, enough rambling for now. I promise I will write more often, even when I don't feel like I have anything important to say. Thanks to Chad for letting me know that at least one person took the time to listen. :)