O. M. G.

I'm getting my first tattoo this weekend.

Terrified? YES.

Party Plans

Tonight I'll be making my debut at a relatively new BG club, Fluid. One of my friends is DJing there for the first time, so I'm gonna show some support. Plus, they have $10 all-you-can-drink. It's gonna be a party, y'all.

Tomorrow night I'm heading to Louisville to bring in the new year with my best friend from high school, Gabby. We haven't gotten to hang out too much since we graduated in '05, so I'm really looking forward to partying it up with her tomorrow night. I've also never experienced the night life in Louisville, so hopefully a good time will be had by all.

Ooh, I sound like such a party girl talkin' about all this clubbin'. Rest assured, I don't do this often. It's almost 2010, and I want to end this year the best way I know to--having a ball with good friends.

Fighting Sleep

It's almost 10:30 and I'm sitting in my bed, thinking about where I want to go and how I want to end up. I'm 22 and it feels like I'm caught between youth and wisdom sometimes. I've always looked and acted older, been more mature than my classmates. But now that I'm on my own and living the life of an adult, I want nothing more than to be back in high school with no worries, no bills, no sense of responsibility. As much as I want to stay where I am forever, I know that can't happen; a new year is almost here and time waits for no one.

Just wanted to share something I was pondering with you. I guess it's time for me to go to bed; maybe the fatigue is getting to me. Good night, everyone. :)

Just me, myself, and I...

After a hilarious heart-to-heart with my friend Chad last night, I've decided to return to the world of blogging. I know I've promised again and again that I would write more frequently, but those were empty promises--and yes, I'm horribly ashamed. But now I'm back on the blog-wagon and ready to start talking about...whatever pops into my head.

And now it's time to be honest with you. It wasn't just my being busy that kept me from writing. I honestly didn't think that anyone cared what I had to say. I had no idea that people actually read this thing. I guess I figured that, since no one really paid attention to my ramblings, I might as well be quiet. And that's something I'm trying to change.

For the longest time I did things because of whether it made other people happy or not. There was a time in my life where my self-worth was wholly based on what other people (especially men) though of me. It was a really dark time; I've still got the emotional scars. But I'm working on being happy because I like who I am, not because someone else likes who I'm pretending to be.

Part of this renovation of self I'm undertaking is a celibacy vow. Yes, I said it. The muffin shop is closed until I meet someone worthy of a grand re-opening. So far things are going well, though there are times that I struggle.

For example, a guy I dated (sort of) a few years back recently popped back into my life. We had dinner and laughed and talked and all that lovey dovey mess--I thought things were going really well. Then,inevitably, the intimacy question popped up. I said I wasn't ready for that, and immediately he tells me to "just relax and let things happen," which I've learned is code for, "just lay there and let me take your clothes off." When I said no deal, he disappeared for a few days.

Now, Old Ashley would have handled this situation in one of two ways: 1.) Given up the goods in the first place, thinking that he'd like her more and want to date her; or 2.) Said no, felt really guilty about saying no, then gave up the goods out of fear that he'd leave. The outcome would be the same regardless--he would leave, and Old Ashley would be alone. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.

But New Ashley isn't going out like that! I said no, and for a while I morphed into Old Ashley and felt guilty about it and worried that he'd leave. But then I realized that I didn't want him to stay if that was all he wanted from me. So I stayed strong and held out. :) It baffles me that so many men would find it offensive that I'm making a decision to feel better about myself. But those guys aren't real men anyway; a real man would respect me for my decision and work hard to show me that he's the one I should choose.

But anyway, enough rambling for now. I promise I will write more often, even when I don't feel like I have anything important to say. Thanks to Chad for letting me know that at least one person took the time to listen. :)

I'm an idiot.

I should have known better, and I'll probably never forgive myself for this. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone.

Something New

I never thought I'd be able to compare myself to Sanaa Lathan. I also didn't think I'd be this happy. I hope everything works out this time.

New beginnings...

Lately things have been...pretty great actually. I'm finally settled in my new job (secretary for a non-profit), and while it doesn't make much use of my degree, I really enjoy it. My dad was in hospice before he died and even though all I do is take phone calls and other office-y things, I feel like I'm doing my part to help people during their hard times.

I'm becoming obsessed with saving money, probably since I don't have any. I decided today to limit my unnecessary spending as much as possible. I've been printing out coupons like a fiend and trying to stop spending on a whim (which, if you know me at all, is something I do on a daily basis).

I found this great interactive grocery list at WorkingMom.com. You can add your own items, print the list, and even write comments to yourself or your shopping helper. I've got coupons for a lot of items, so I made notes on which specific brands I need to buy to use them. I also looked at the online version of this week's Wal-Mart ad and made notes of items I use that are on sale so I can stock up. I feel so responsible and grown up! :)

I've also gotten a lot done as far as Christmas shopping. I know it's only the first week of November, but Christmas will be here before we know it. Plus, planning and shopping are two of my favorite things, so being able to do them both at once was very satisfying. :) I'm doing some grocery shopping today, so I may even be able to knock out a few more gifts (Wal-Mart gift cards, etc.) while I'm out today.

My grandfather is recovering well from his stroke and surgery; that's a blessing. Mom and the rest of the family are doing well too. Matt and I have had our ups and downs, but that's something I'm leaving up to God. Since I get a lot of free time at work, I'll probably be updating more often now...but don't hold me to that. :)

Another sad love song...

Lately my life has been following the same quiet routine...and I think I like it this way. Loneliness suits me.

I'm happiest when I'm by myself. :)

I've been a bad, bad girl...

I haven't posted in what feels like years. My apologies, y'all--life is in the fast lane right now. I'm fresh from a weekend in H-ville with mi madra y hermana...foster (I don't know how to say "foster sister" in Spanish, but I'm giving myself an A for effort) and another day at the BEST JOB EVER.

That's right, I've found yet another career. I can't say it's glamorous or exciting but I love it more and more every day...I'm a secretary. It sounds lame, but trust me--baby girl loves this gig. I'm off by 4:30 every day, I don't work weekends, I get paid holidays, and I basically just type all day. Therefore, my new job = the most awesome. :) But since I've got all this free time now I'll have to make sure to update more often; I don't have an excuse not to now.

I wish I had something more interesting to say but life's been pretty calm lately. I turn 22 in 3 days, which is pretty exciting. I feel really old though; I keep seeing people I know from back home and remembering when we were in second grade chasing each other around during recess. My life has flown by; it's crazy to think about how fast time passes...

Anyhow, I also have an appointment with a neurologist to find out why my face has been hurting so badly. It's kind of complicated to explain in a blog, but long story short is that the jaw pain I've been getting twice a year may not be caused by sinuses, but by a nerve disorder. Thus the reason why I'm hitting up the nerve doctor to find out what the deal is. I hope it's not bad news--my doctor's appointment is on my birthday. :(

Sorry I don't have any deep thoughts or profound revalations for y'all--maybe next time? :) I'm about to read more Scarlett and pray that these people stop working on this water main so I can take a shower. More later!

The state of our educational system...

I went to the annual Student Teacher party last night. I was sober. People are hilarious. More later.

This just in...

I know I haven't posted in what feels like decades, and I'm sorry--baby girl is busy, y'all. Here's a quick update on what' going on in la vida de Ashley:

• Marcus and I broke up; the long distance thing just wasn't working out. He and I both agreed that we didn't have time for a relationship that required so much traveling and effort, but if we're meant to be, we'll be.
• I met a new guy that I've been hanging out with. He's super sweet, but I'm not giving out too many details simply because I don't want to jinx anything. He's awesome though--and only an hour and a half away! :)
• I started my new job and it's awesome. I love the fast pace and the people I work with, and I don't feel like I'm working myself to death and not getting anything out of it anymore.
  
• I'm going to see Taylor Swift in concert at the state fair this weekend. I'm the most excited about it--and the corndogs that I'm going to eat before, during, and on the way home from the concert.
• I'm still broke.

More to come, I promise!

In My Ears: 'Dreamgirls': The Soundtrack to the Motion Picture; 'Golden', Fall Out Boy; 'Ego', Beyonce

All quiet on the western front...

Mmmkay. So I promised a longer blog, and here it is. The problem is, I don't really have that much to talk about. But I'm a determined individual, so I'll try to keep y'all entertained as I talk about my current (and somewhat boring) life.

I start my new job next Tuesday, and I'm really excited about it. I'll definitely miss most of the people I work with, along with that 30% discount. But hopefully switching to a job outside of the mall will save me money--I won't be tempted to buy the new cute shirt/panties/bra/nail polish we just got in stock, shop on my lunch break, or buy dinner in the food court. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I'm also looking forward to doing something different and getting away from some of the drama that exists at VS. Try as people might to deny that drama exists, it does--mostly because they cause it.

But on a much less passive-aggressive note, I haven't really been up to too much lately. I'm mostly watching a lot of 'Hey Arnold' and hanging out around the house. I've actually hung out with Colby and Sammie a few times, and they're loads of fun. We watched 'Too Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar' last night and made chicken salad--it was awesome. :)

Tomorrow is my day off and I've got some errands to run: getting my car window fixed, shopping for work clothes, making appointments, blah blah blah. But some of us were thinking about going to a club in Nashville tomorrow night, so hopefully some crunkness will transpire. Sorry about the lack of excitement in this post; as soon as something pops off, y'all will be the first to know. Promise.

In My Ears: Jesse McCartney, 'It's Over'; Shakira, 'She-Wolf'; Beyonce, 'If I Were a Boy'

More to come...

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I've been super busy with life and all. I promise I'll update soon--perhaps tomorrow? :)

In My Ears: John Mayer, 'Belief'; Christina Aguilera, 'When You Put Your Hands On Me'; Justin Timberlake, 'Cry Me a River'

To Do

I love having days off specifically for this reason. :) Here's my To Do list for today:

• Wash hair --->Done!
  
• Wash dishes ---> Done!
  
• Clean apartment --->Done!...for the most part...
  
• Do laundry --->Uh...this may never get done. I hate doing laundry.
  
• Go to Roses' --->Done!
  
• Look for used bookstores --->Done!
  
• Buy Elizabeth's colorguard equipment --->Done!
  
• Eat chicken nachos and strawberry shortcake --->Done!
  
• Paint nails --->Done!
  

Busy day, huh?

*Note: This list actually took two-and-a-half days to complete. What can I say? I don't like being rushed. :)

No Work = All Play!

Fabulous day. Looking forward to another one tomorrow! :)

In My Ears: Black Eyed Peas, 'I Gotta Feelin'; Katy Perry, 'Waking Up in Vegas'; Sean Kingston, 'Fire Burning'

Can you retract a retraction?

Okay. So I may have spoken a little too soon about speaking too soon. I know that sounds ridiculous, but everyone makes mistakes, right? I'm sure this sounds a bit cryptic, but since I don't think anyone actually reads the nonsense I write here, I think I'll be okay.

The rest of my vacation was fantastic. It had its ups and downs, but at the end of the day I know so much more than I once did. I'm no longer planning, but reacting. :) I've learned that I worry too much and I think too deeply. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it can make situations much more complicated than they should be. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next with Marcus and I; hopefully I'll find my happy ending by taking things one day at a time.

Anyhow, I think it's time for a snack and a nap--driving to and from the airport always drains my energy. My apartment seems too quiet now and I'm not sure what to do with myself since he's gone back to LA. This sounds cliche, but I can't wait to see him again. Hopefully our reunion will be sooner than later.

In My Ears: Jay-Z, 'Run This City'; The-Dream, 'Rockin' That Shit'; Hairspray: The Soundtrack to the Motion Picture

I've been thinking...

Perhaps I spoke too soon. We'll see how today goes.

In My Ears: En Vogue, 'Don't Let Go (Love)'; John Legend, 'Ordinary People'; Aaliyah, 'Rock the Boat'

"And I say the same thing every single time..."

I was definitely right. I'm having the time of my life on this vacation. Hanging out with Marcus every day has been truly amazing. Here's a little recap of what we've done so far:

Friday: Marcus's flight lands at around 9 p.m. I'm a teensy bit late picking him up because people from Bowling Green can't drive--traffic on I-65 between Bowling Green and Franklin was terrible. Eventually I make it there and I finally get to see him after almost two months apart. He looks fabulous (not that I doubted he would) and we talk a lot about his flight on the drive back to BG. Apparently the plane hit some pretty intense turbulence that he just kept reading through. I would have been screaming my head off and praying to Jesus to save my soul, but that's why he's the level-headed one in this twosome. I tell him a few things I have planned for us to do while he's in town (Dinosaur World, Mammoth Cave, going to Hodgenville to eat dinner with my family, etc.) and he just happens to notice a sign for Steak n' Sheak and asks if we can go there. Apparently they don't have Steak n' Shakes in California (or Waffle Houses either) and he loves both restaurants, so we stop at Steak n' Shake before turning in for the night.

Saturday: I wake up super early (as usual) and bake some biscuits for breakfast. We spend the day just hanging around the house, watching movies and talking. At one point I had to go into work to get my schedule, but other than that we just stay in. We do make it a point to go to Waffle House for lunch, where Marcus informs me that he could eat Waffle House twice a day while he's here. (For the record, I have absolutely no problems with that happening. I can get down on some chocolate-chip waffles, y'all.) Our server, Missy, is an absolute riot--she's cracking jokes and reading us fun facts about Waffle House and just being hilarious in general. I then challenged Marcus to eat 25 waffles in 10 minutes to beat the world record; he replies that he doesn't want to go into cardiac arrest over lunch, thank you. We head back to the house and just chill, watching Fun with Dick and Jane and just enjoying each other's company.

Sunday: This was the BIG day, people. I took Marcus to Hodgenville to meet my family. I got up early to go to bible study, and after making some baked pasta for us to eat later, we head north on I-65 toward my hometown of Hodgenville. I'm convinced my family will love him, but I still maintain a somewhat nervous silence on the drive--I'm hoping my family doesn't cut up too badly and embarrass me. (Not that I think they're embarrassing. I just know how Black people (and Elizabeth, my foster sister) can get in the presence of new people.) But the visit goes wonderfully. We eat my mom's awesome cooking--fried chicken, hashbrown casserole, fried cabbage, sweet corn, deviled eggs, and a double-chocolate cake for dessert--and I'm pleasantly surprised that no one is giving Marcus a hard time. In fact, they get along great. We start watching a marathon of America's Got Talent and have a good time laughing at some of the crazy things Americans are willing to do to get on television. On the drive back we rock out to John Mayer and talk about everything under the sun. I text my mom to let her know we made it back safely, and she texts back that she really likes Marcus. :) I rent Gran Torino from the redbox and that's the end of the evening.

Which brings us to the present. Today I'm planning on taking Marcus to Mammoth Cave and hanging out with my best friend/soulmate Katie when she gets back in town. Tomorrow is Dinosaur World and $5 all-you-can-drink at Brew Co. (I also may be getting my tattoo that day!). Wednesday, who knows--I just want to make sure I get to spend as much time as I can with him before he flies out on Thursday. I've had such a good time so far and can't wait to see him again (even though he hasn't left yet). I'll make sure to keep y'all updated on how the rest of the week goes. :) Have a good day!

In My Ears: Drake, 'Best I Ever Had'; Luther Vandross, 'So Amazing'; John Mayer, 'Free Fallin'

Vacation

My boyfriend is here. I'm so, so happy. I can tell this is going to be a great vacation.

"Once again I ask too much of you..."

I'm fresh from a 7:30 p.m. showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and let me tell you, that movie was AMAZING. It didn't follow the plot of the book exactly, but the acting was great and the cinematography was absolutely breathtaking. I'm probably going to see it again next week. That may sound like a lot, but it was spectacular.

So that was the fun stuff--yay. Now it's time for me to talk about some things that have been on my mind lately. One of the quotations from HBP actually inspired the post. During one of the pivotal scenes in the movie, Dumbledore says to Harry, "Once again I ask too much of you, Harry." Dumbledore did ask for Harry's complete trust, but did he ask too much of him? He did, after all, only have the best interest of the wizarding world (and Harry himself) at heart.

Which made me ask myself, do I ask too much of you? I'm thinking of one person in particular, and I don't believe the things I'm asking for are too much. I'm a pretty low-maintenance person, generally speaking. I like good food, good books, and good friends. I'm not the type of person who has to go out every night to see and be seen or have the latest outfit or gadget to be happy--I'm content with who I am and what I have. What I do ask for, though, is honesty...committment...affection...attention.

You don't have to be in my face all the time or call me every single minute, but I do want to know that you care enough to contact me every once in a while. It doesn't even have to be a long phone call--a simple text will do. I'm a firm believer that that simple things are the best things, and that the key to a healthy relationship (romantic or otherwise) is communication. My communication skills are what I'm most proud of about myself, and I only expect from others what I expect from myself.

Do I think I'm asking for too much? No, I honestly don't. But I do feel that honesty, committment, affection, and attention are things that I deserve. No longer will I settle for anything less.

...or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I have to ask this before my head explodes from frustration. Why is it that once you get in a relationship with someone, everyone in the free world suddenly wants to get all flirty with you? I honestly don't get it. I've been single for who knows how long, waiting for someone to pay me attention, then I get a boyfriend and BAM! Ashley's the hottest thing on the block. It just doesn't make sense, people.

But now that I've vented a bit, I'll let you know about the other events taking place in my life thus far. I'm officially leaving Victoria's Secret. I don't want to, but I've got some other opportunities that I want to take advantage of right now. Hopefully one day I can come back to the company, but for right now I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm really excited about my new job and will definitely keep you updated on how it goes once I officially get started.

On the personal side, the male species has taken a spontaneous interest in me as of late. Who knows why, really. I'm kind of into it, but mostly just confused. Am I emitting some sort of pheromones or something? Anyway, Marcus will be here the last week of this month to visit. I'm really excited to see him, but I can't lie--this long-distance thing has been really hard. Maybe it will get better after I see him again, but I'm not the type of person who can build a relationship on occasional text messages and phone calls. But I'll think about all that once he gets here; we'll talk and see if we can work things out.

Other than those things, nothing major has been happening. I go to work, hang out with friends, and play The Sims 3 WAAAYY more than I should. I can't complain about life though--things are going pretty well. If things pop off, you'll be the first to know. Later.

Oh, shit.

I'm in a pickle now. It's funny how life can get REALLY complicated all at once.

More later.

Something new...

In the "Wind"

dark-skinned scarlett
desperately seeking
always watching
wondering
searching--she knows what she wants
just one look
the tiniest taste
testosterone laced
approval
savors each glance
each smile
imagines fairy tale endings
family photos with
both parents present
something so different from
her own
she reads the southern belle bible
taking her place under parisols
wearing ball gowns, dancing reels
not under scorching georgia suns
planting cotton, plowing fields
identifies with the protagonist
feels the craving to crush male hearts
in her hands
whatever it takes
no matter the stakes
her body on display
a southern belle simper on her face
modern day whale bone stays
the push-up bras
low-cut tees
all to fill her tragic need for
someone
anyone
to notice her

The (second) wait is over!

The Sims 3 finally came in today and it...is...AMAZING. That's all I can really say.

I'm working tomorrow and Saturday, but I'm off all day Sunday. Tentative agenda for my day off: Bible study, church, The Sims 3, trying out a new recipe, The Sims 3, paying some bills, and The Sims 3. I can't wait.

(Look for more--including more poetry--in the near future. I've been feeling inspired, but just haven't had time to put pen to paper yet. Happy Fourth!)

Out of the loop.

I grew up an only child for most of my life. Though my mom's boyfriend's son (complicated, I know) did come and live with us, he came when I was in eighth grade and left after my junior year of high school. I was practically grown by then, so I don't really count that experience--and also because we mostly stayed out of each other's way. I'm used to being by myself, so I don't mind it that much. Sometimes, though, it gets to me.

My apartment is completely across town from where all of my friends live, so going to hang out with them is kind of a trek. I also work full-time, so a lot of times I have to leave early because I have work the next day or I'm just too tired to hang out after a full day of work. Which is understandable (at least it is to me), but it doesn't make things much easier or much fun.

I guess sometimes I just feel left out of things. Like I'm not really a part of the loop. Everyone else seems like they don't have too many worries, that summer is really summer--something to enjoy. I'm only 21 and I feel so much older than I am. I'm constantly worried about bills and work and being responsible. I think that's what I should be doing, but I feel left out of everything else. I don't know. I guess that, behind the capable, confident, adult me there's someone who's just...lonely. Did I grow up too fast? I'm not sure anymore.

My mom always said, "The only person you can depend on is yourself." I believe that to be true, but I don't want to live my life alone either. I think I need to branch out, meet some new people. I found an interesting quotation today that kind of sums up how I feel about all this: "It is a very lonely life that a man leads, who becomes aware of truths before their times." -Thomas Brackett Reed

"Move it, Football Head!"

I finally got Seasons 1 and 2 of 'Hey Arnold!' on DVD. Laughter really is the best medicine.

"There's a place in your heart, and I know that it is love..."

Michael Jackson passed away today. I'm at a loss for what to say or do. I've always been a huge fan of Michael--I can remember writing in my Lisa Frank diary about how upset I was when he married Lisa Marie Presley because I wanted him to marry me instead. 'The Jacksons: An American Dream' was always one of my favorite movies, and I recorded it onto VHS and would watch it over and over and over (and I never missed the showings on VH1 or BET); I can't remember not being completely impressed by his talent. People always looked at me like I was completely nuts when I told them how much I loved Michael Jackson, but I never backed down. No one could even come close to him in my mind.

Now that he's gone, I feel like my childhood has ended. Michael Jackson was someone I've loved from a very young age, and now that he's gone it feels like the end of an era. I think the hardest thing to deal with is that Michael was a constant connection to my father. My dad loved the Jackson 5 and played their music constantly around the house; he loved Michael's solo work just as much. I remember sitting in the living room with him, eating fresh garden tomatoes with salt and watching 'The Jacksons: An American Dream'. Our shared love of Michael Jackson was something that made me feel closer to my dad.

Now that Michael's gone, it feels like I lost my dad all over again. I'm grieving not only for Michael, but for my father as well. I still want to believe that Michael planned all of this so he could get out of the public eye, and now he's on an island somewhere living a life filled with laughter. I know that, in Heaven, my father is so excited to finally meet Michael and tell him how much he appreciated his music. I appreciate both of them for being such large parts of my life, and hope they both found the peace that they deserve.

Sunrise, Sunset

Today was a loooooong day. I woke up at sunrise after a night full of crazy dreams and just couldn't seem to get back to sleep--my head was full of to-do lists and worries that I'd oversleep. I had to be at work at 9 this morning, but ended up going in at 8:30 to revamp a few tables that were looking pretty empty. After opening the store, I proceed to cater to the citizens of Bowling Green and all their bra, panty, and beauty needs.

The day is slow and the store fairly empty; we don't make our goals and I have to cut shifts and work with just one other person--this proceeds to get hectic when things get busy. I work and work and work...and then get a call about a job offer I've been considering that's pretty sweet. [More on that in another post.] Around 5, the other managers go for their hour-long weekly meeting. I'm supposed to get off at six as soon as they finish up.

Six comes...then six-thirty...seven. A thunderstorm is raging outside and I really just want to go home. Finally--at seven-thirty--the other managers roll in and I'm allowed to leave. I don't really mind (I love working more because overtime pay is sweet) but I was really looking forward to getting home before the sun went down--maybe next time. Tomorrow is my day off and I'm thanking Jesus for it; I need to get some things done. I open again on Wednesday, and hopefully then I'll be able to leave before sunset.

A Gift to Give

I went to Bible study this morning for the first time in a long time. I know it's bad that I haven't been, but better late than not at all; I know I need to work on making myself right in Jesus before the rest of my life can fall into place.

In order to help myself remember the things I've learned and also to spread the word of God, I'm going to be giving a brief synopsis of the lessons on here every Sunday. That way I'll reinforce the teachings and, hopefully, teach someone else something too. So, here it goes:

"What is the church?"
Focus: Ephesians (scripture taken from the New International Version)

The church can be described as the building where worship happens, a congregation of followers, people united by faith in the same location, services organized to worship God, etc.

Ch. 1:
Ver. 3-5: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed up in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--"
[God created the church before he created anything else; we were made to be his holy working body on Earth--it was our destiny to do so.]

Ver. 21-23: "far above all rule and authority, power, and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."
[God is the ultimate ruler of the church. Pastors, ministers--everyone must first submit to God's will, regardless of their title within the church. The church is the body of Christ; it fulfills his plan through its actions.]

Ch. 3:
Ver. 20-21: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is a work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
[The church should give all glory to Jesus first and foremost. Only through God are any of the accomplishments the church makes possible.]

Ch. 4:
Ver. 4-7: "There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism: one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it."
[Regardless of the different denominations and religions, there is one God and we are one united church in Him. Though God may be called different names and churches may practice differently, we are ultimately need to lift the name of the Lord. Don't bash other denominations or religions--they are our brothers and sisters in Christ.]

Ver. 11-16: "It was some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we weill not longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From him the whole body, joined and heald together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."
[We each have our own talents, a special gift to give. We should all use our individual talents to spread the word of God and build a might church for him. Though each denomination is different, we all need to work together for Jesus and love one another despite our differences.]

Ch. 5:
Ver. 22-25: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"
[This isn's just about the church and its marriage to God. The church is the wife of God, so we must always submit to his will before our own. He loved us enough to give his life for us, so we should always follow his word and do his will."

Overall, I feel much more empowered now that I know what the church is supposed to do and how it is an extension of Jesus Christ. It makes me feel less alone to know that regardless of if we're Baptist, Pentecostal, Catholic or anything else, we're all supposed to put our differences aside and put God first. I'm really looking forward to continuing this discussion next week and learning more about the person God wants me to be.

Father's Day

Father's Day is tomorrow, and I approach the holiday with a combination of sadness, anger, and guilt. As you may or may not know, my father died when I was thirteen. He died after a divorce from my mom which allowed me to see him only every other weekend, and sometimes not even that much. I can't remember many phone calls, birthday cards, or Christmas gifts from him before he passed.

What I can remember, though, is how he looked the last time I saw him. He was progressively getting sicker and sicker, so my mom drove me to see him. He looked a little thinner, a little grayer, but he greeted me with a smile and spent all of his time trying to make me as comfortable as possible--getting me snacks and drinks, asking me about my life, cracking jokes to make me smile. I left not knowing that would be the last time we would speak. Not much later, I awake one Sunday morning with a feeling of dread--I knew that day was my father's last day on Earth. And sure enough, Mom came in later that night with tears in her eyes to tell me the news.

Each year it's gotten tougher and tougher to remember the small details about our relationship, and I am so ashamed of that. He is half of what I am, and I want to make sure that mi children know about their skinny, funny, Kentucky Wildcats-loving grandfather. My dad's side of the family doesn't have much to do with me. The last time I saw them was at my high school graduation four years ago; I sent them an invitation to my college graduation with no reply or response whatsoever. It hurts, but I'm just waiting for them to come around. I shouldn't have to beg them to be a part of my life.

Last night some of the girls were talking about the gifts they got their father's for tomorrow, and I just stayed quiet. I have nothing to give and no one to give it to. I want to take a trip to where my dad is buried, but since I'm working tomorrow I won't be able to do that--it will have to wait. I want to find something special to take when I go, something to show Daddy that I haven't forgotten him and don't intend to. Everyone always says my mom and I look just alike, to which I reply, "Well, you've never seen my dad." I hope he's proud of the things I've done; I miss him more and more every day.

The Optimist

I feel like something amazing is about to happen. Keep your fingers crossed.

Release

I've written a little bit of poetry but have always been hesitant to share it with people. I mean, what if it sucks and I humiliate myself? Not only that, but my poems tend to be very personal--I'm not sure I want everyone being all up in my bidnass. But nevertheless, I got the urge to share a poem with y'all tonight. I've had some pent-up frustration, and I think writing is a great way to release it all. I'm planning on writing more in the near future to keep myself sane; maybe I'll share again sometime. Let me know what you think.

The One I Gave My Heart To

How could the one I gave my heart to,

ask me for it back?

After he decided it was too good to keep close

That hurt the most

Not eating for days

Not sleeping for weeks

Looking at the phone

Waiting

For him to come back to me

Saying it was all a joke

And he knew his place

And he was ready for our hearts to

Return to the same space.

But that day didn’t come

In a month, even two.

No, he waited two years

To make up his mind on what to do.

But by then, I’d moved on

Tried love and failed it

Wanting to make men love me

I’d do anything it took

Because the idea of them leaving me

Just had me shook

Because if I’m “too good”

I’ve got to be better

Got to change

Rearrange

Create a new plan for the game

To make myself forget about him

And his ways

How his smile and his style highlighted all of my days

And how he promised me one day

That our last names would be the same

but somehow he worked his way

back into the frame

promising a new him

for the

new me

and talking on and on about how he was

so, so, so sorry

and for a while,

I went along for the ride

But something was always nagging me

Inside

The only one I gave my heart to

Asked me for it back

But inside I knew that

I just couldn’t do that.

Sometimes a woman

Has to refuse to go back

And not because she’s scared

But because she’s worth more than that.

And he knows who he is

And that he’ll always have his place

And that at one point our hearts occupied the same space

But now I’ve moved on

And I hope he has too

And to the one I once gave my heart,

I now give this poem to.

An...Interesting Surprise

Well. I certainly didn't see that one coming.

I'm currently hanging out with my lovely wife Katie, keeping her company while she works the front desk at Nerd Camp. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing. Hoping it's my boyfriend calling to tell me good night, I grab it and take a look at the number...and I don't recognize it. It's from the 502 area code (the Louisville area) and I can't think of anyone who would be calling me from there--especially at this time of night. I press a button and take the call with a hesitant, "Hello?"

A Latino accent hits my ear and my eyes roll skyward in exasperation. It's an ex of mine. And not just any old ex, but one that I told explicitly never to call me again and was saved as "Do Not Answer" in my cell phone (that is, before it ended up in the sewer system of Jefferson County). He's asks me how I am and I reply with a terse, "Fine." I'm then obligated to ask him how he's doing--it would be un-Southern if I didn't at least pretend to be polite to him.

He asks me what I'm doing on Thursday night, the ONE night of the week I have off. Damn. He invites me to a local bar to hang out with him and some of his frat brothers. I don't have anything else to do but really don't want to hang out with him, and answer with a simple, "I'll see what I can do." He laughs and starts to end the conversation, but I interrupt him.

"Why did you call me?"

"I told you, to see which people were in town."

"I know, but we haven't talked in forever."

"Yeah, but I thought that was all water under the bridge."

(The somewhat...dirty water he's speaking of is the fact that he was the first guy I dated after my boyfriend of two years dumped me, and he then ended our quasi-relationship to try to work things out with his ex. When that didn't work he was calling me again, but it was clear that he just wanted one thing from me--and I think you know what that one thing is. Our last conversation ended with him basically asking me if we could be sex buddies and me telling him that I didn't have time for his bullshit and to never call me again. He called me a child for not being willing to sleep with him whenever he wanted.)

"...Yeah."

I don't hate him, but I don't want to be friend with him either. I've seen what kind of person he is, and it's not really one that I want in my life right now (which, by the way, is pretty damn good). I told him about graduating from college, working full-time, and how awesome my boyfriend is at the very end of our five minute conversation, so he knows that I'm over him and his foolishness. I've got too much going for me to even worry about him now.

I used to smile every time I heard that Dominican accent. Now, it just makes me roll my eyes, sigh, and wonder what ridiculousness I'm going to hear next. I'm probably going to go on Thursday to socialize with my bruhs and enjoy my night off--I do want to go out and have a good time, after all. But I won't be worrying too much about what this particular person does or says. I had to go through some bad times in order to truly savor the good ones.

Make it last forever...

Everyone I know is getting married. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen--all of the girls at work, people I went to high school with, everyone I come in CONTACT with is engaged, for the love of everything! And I feel so...left out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get hitched just yet. I can barely take care of myself, so how on God's green earth am I supposed to take care of someone else? I just miss...romance. Waking up next to someone, going through your day with them by your side, falling asleep in their arms at night...then waking up and doing it all again. I know that's the chick flick, Danielle Steele, movie-star-picture-perfect version of love that doesn't exist in real life, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.

I'm dating someone right now who lives 3,000 miles away. Needless to say, waking up next to him is impossible at this point. But I'm looking forward to seeing where things go. He's a great guy, and I'm lucky to have him. But I'm nowhere near ready for marriage right now. I still have to figure out who I am before I can commit myself to someone else.

Someone Special :)

Life is great right now! I cannot even begin to talk about how truly happy I am. All I can say is that some people come into your life for a reason, and that I'm looking to the future with a happy heart. I hope this works out the way I want it to...

LAU (Life After Undergrad): A "To Do" List

O. M. G. I graduate tomorrow. Ahhhhhhhh! What the heck am I going to do with no papers, so studying, no tests?!? Hopefully update my blog more. :) But I've got a list of things that I want to do after graduation, and I thought I'd share them with you:

1.) Take a vacation--I haven't been on one since I was 14.
2.) Buy a turtle
3.) Start dance classes or voice lessons
4.) Audition for plays/commercials
5.) Build a dollhouse
6.) Go to church and study the Word more frequently
7.) Cut my hair REALLY short (like, pixie)
8.) Write more poetry and participate in more open mics/slams
9.) Find and awesome job WITH BENEFITS
10.) Exercise
11.) Take pictures
12.) Go to cultural things (museums, plays, etc.)
13.) Read classic literature--I'm starting a summer reading list; please give me some suggestions.
14.) Save lots of money
15.) Pamper myself occasionally
16.) Learn to make pies/cook more in general
17.) Scrapbook
18.) Have a yard sale
19.) Go out and meet more people
20.) Watch every single episode of 'Daria'
21.) Study for/take the GRE and figure out if grad school is the next step for me

These are just some of the random things I've come up with for my life after college. I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing. Graduation pics will be posted on Sunday!

Getting there...

Ooh, girls. It has been quite some time since I've updated this bad boy. I know, I know--I'm messing up my New Year's resolution because I haven't been updating weekly, but it's been hella busy 'round these parts. So please bear with me.

First up, I graduate in 10 days! I can't believe I'm practically a college graduate. Right now I'm still burning the early morning oil in the computer lab finishing up papers for a few of my classes. I've still got finals week to go but I'm almost to the finish line (thank God). These have been the best four years of my life (so far) and I really can't believe they're almost over. I feel like I'll still go to the library and pretend to study for things just so I can have something to do in my free time.

Speaking for doing things in my free time, I've decided that I either want to start taking dance classes again or take up voice lessons as a hobby. I think I want to audition for plays and commercials and things; it's something I've always wanted to do and I might as well do it while I'm still young, right? I've always loved performing and doing either of these two things will allow me to do what I love on a regular basis.

Also, I competed in my first poetry slam today! I was really nervous about reading my poetry aloud--it's totally different than competing in speech. In speech, if someone hates your literature, you can always blame it on the author; in a slam, it's your original work that's up for criticism (or at least you're supposed to compete with your original work). But I had a blast and will probably post some of my poetry on here for y'all to read and comment on. I need to make sure that it's going to be copywritten though--I can't have some random person trying to jack my poetry swag, lol.

Anyhow, I supposed I should get back to studying. I just needed a break from all of this school business. I'm going to make an effort to update more frequently--after graduation I'll probably have more time, but I have to get internet in my apartment first. :) Until next time...

Back to reality...

The nationals blitz is finally over, and I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I'm glad that it's over and I can get back to school and work, but I'm so sad that I'll never compete at a forensics tournament again. There is one thing that makes me feel better though...I'm a national champion! Corn and I won duo!!! I've never been so happy. Hearing them announce our names as national champions was amazing. I'm so blessed to have had these four years of college forensics with all of the people I love.

Moments

I'm so sorry for the lack of blogging, y'all. The past ten days have been hectic to say the least. I went to my final AFA, and I'm currently writing from Springfield, Missouri--the site of my final NFA. Emotions are running through me and I'm having problems putting everything into words. All I can really say is that I'm cherishing every moment. More later.

Thanks...

I just got back from my last AFA-NIET. I've never been so emotional. Watching the people I see every single day put their game faces on and work like hell to bring the championship back home inspired me beyond measure. We won, and we fought for it. Thank you to everyone who sacrificed that extra hour of sleep to practice, who juggled class and school and work and life to take the place that we know we deserve--FIRST. I can't believe I get to live this life...

Writing it down...

I've finally overcome one of the biggest hurdles of my adult life...writing poetry. I've been convinced that my words are shitty and that people will laugh at me when they read them. Actually, I still am. But putting my thoughts on paper (or Microsoft Word, to be more precise) makes me feel better.

Though I am noticing a trend. A significant portion of my poetry thus far has been slightly, well, depressing. I just write what I happen to be thinking at the time--I got out of the shower with the quickness this morning to write some things down--but I don't feel depressed necessarily. Maybe it's just my current situation and heightened stress level. Hopefully I'll have some happy poems to post for y'all soon.

Be blessed.

(Oh, and make sure you check out PostSecret today.)

She works hard for the money...or she would if she could find a job.

Today I'm heading to the annual job fair hosted on my school's campus. I feel prepared enough: 25 copies of my resume, freshly pressed suit, perfect hair and flawless makeup. Inside, though, I'm a little unsure. We're in a recession, and I'm worried that there won't be any full-time openings for a gal fresh out of undergrad. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, but you know how I am--"worry" should be my middle name.

Not only that, but I had a bit of an accident with my car and it will cost $1300 to fix. Before your eyes fall out of your head (mine almost did) the price is so high because I'm not reporting it to my insurance. And before you ask why, I'm not reporting it to my insurance because I'm not telling my mother until after I get it fixed. Not just because I'm afraid that she'll kill me (which I am to an extent) but because she pays most of my car insurance and I don't want the insurance to go up. She's going to be getting a foster child very soon, they're laying people off left and right at her job, and she has to pay all of her bills herself. I don't want her to pay for my mistake, so I'm paying for it myself. I'm trying to do the adult thing and take responsibility for my actions.

So now I'm pinching pennies like no one's business and hoping to have it paid off as quickly as possible. I had an idea that being a grown up would be expensive, but this is ridiculous. Wish me luck at the job fair; I'll update you on how it went as soon as I can.

Realization

It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I'm graduating. I placed the order for my graduation invitations and right after I clicked "Submit Payment," my entire body went numb. I think it was partially due to the fact that I was really nervous about having some syntax error/typo all front and center on my invitations, but mostly because this will be the biggest milestone of my life (so far). Yeesh. These emotions are wild. I just hope I can keep it together long enough to finish the semester. Speaking of which, I have a big ol' test in Sexuality and Society that I should probably be studying for right about now. More later.

MY place.

I have an apartment! Finally, my first big step toward being a "grown up." I put down the deposit yesterday, and I plan on moving in sometime in late April (after nationals are over). Wow. This is...emotional. I can't believe I'm going to be living on my own for the first time in just a few short months. Granted, it will be small (and most likely cheaply furnished), but it will be mine--all mine. My place to live, work, and just...be. This whole growing up thing is exciting! I'll post more later; I've got to stop by a friend's house before work.

I almost forgot!

I promised you all pictures from Krimson and Creme (the Greek formal I went to with my boyfriend last month). I apologize for my tardiness in posting them--I'm scattered to say the least. :) Here they are:

Stavon (one of my friends) and I before the party.



















My boyfriend Gabriel and I. He picked out my dress himself and gave it to me as a Valentine's Day gift!



















Us being silly. :)

Time...

Wow. Everything is moving so fast. I'm going to graduate from college in about 70 days. I'm absolutely terrified, but looking forward to it too. I'm excited to not have to worry about finals, papers, and classes for a year or so. :)

In other news, I finally found an apartment! I can't wait to move in and start living on my own. I've been a little concerned about if I'll make ends meet, but I should be fine. I've got to start budgeting and really crack down on my spending habits--something I've known I need to do for a while. But I've already got quite a bit saved for the deposit, rent, and furniture, so I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm really looking forward to decorating and having my own little home.

Things have been going okay in the relationship department as well. We've had our ups and downs, but I think that with consistent, honest communication we should make things work. The relationship is still new--we're still getting to know each others habits and things like that. I have high hopes for it though; it's been a while since I've been this happy with someone else.

I can't believe how time has flown by. I still remember playing house on the blacktop behind Hodgenville Elementary School, cheering for middle school basketball games in eight grade, and walking in a processional around the LaRue County High School gym after getting my diploma like it was yesterday. I can't wait for all the new memories I get to create, truly living life on my own for the first time.

Talk the talk.

I'm currently at a forensics tournament at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio. For those of you who don't know, forensics is a fancy name for speech and debate, a.k.a. the art of competitive public speaking. I've been doing this since seventh grade (except for last spring when I took a semester off).

Now, I love to talk. I have since my very first word which, by the way, was applesauce. So why would I pass up the chance to get to talk and earn trophies for doing it? But no, that's not the real reason why I get up early and stay up late to do this little-known activity.

I've always wanted to be an actress, and this is a way to exercise my acting chops without running all over the country spending tons of money on head shots and gas to get to auditions and all that. (I would like to do that one day, but right now my funds are extremely limited.) Not only that, but I feel like I'm spreading my message throughout the world. In speech, you choose what you want to talk about--the message you spread is yours completely.

I'll miss this activity dearly when I graduate. I know most of my happiest memories from the past ten years of my life have had something to do with forensics. But until my speech career is over, I'll just have to keep making new memories and loving every moment.

It's been a long, long time comin'...

First off, my sincerest apologies for not writing more often. I broke my New Year's resolution to write once a week and, since you're reading this, you know about my lack of willpower. :( But I plan on using the shame I'm currently feeling to get my ass in gear and write like I should. Thank you, conscience.

Anyhow, so many things have happened since I last wrote. I met my district manager, Laura, and tried to turn on the charm in hopes of getting a full-time job with the company when I graduate in May. I'm not sure how charming I actually was considering I was nervous as all get-out, but she likes the results I produce so hopefully she'll work some magic. Keep your fingers crossed.

My great-great aunt, Lois Smith, passed away a few weeks ago. I was really shocked by it; I just saw her when I went home for Christmas break and she seemed happy and fine. It's crazy how someone can be here one minute and gone the next. I wasn't able to go to the funeral because one of my professors wouldn't let me make up the classwork, but I did say a special prayer for her. I know she's much better off than we are, but it's still odd knowing she's not here anymore.

On a lighter note, I have a boyfriend! I didn't expect him to come into my life, but I'm so glad to have him. He's younger than I am, but he's awesome--so sweet and funny and just...great. I'm ridiculously happy for the first time in I can't remember how long. I hope things work out with us, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up. We'll just have to wait and see. :)

And on another boy-note, I finally let go of someone that I'd kept in my life for way too long. I told this person (a previous ex boyfriend) that I didn't see us getting back together because I couldn't recreate the feelings that I had for him the first time around. I gave him my whole heart--every single thing I had was his. When he left, he left scars that I still can't look past. I guess it's the realist in me showing--why would I give you my heart a second time when you've already broken it once? But I told him how I felt and I haven't heard from him since. I cherish the time we had together, but there was no way I could go back. I still care for him deeply though, and I hope he finds what he's looking for.

Nationals for speech is fastly approaching, and I'm more than a little nervous. I want to end my senior year with a bang, but with class and work and my sorority, my plate is a little more than full. I will miss speech more than anything once this year is over, and I feel really bad that I can't focus on it completely. But I just keep telling myself that I'm looking for a career, something that will feed me and clothe me and keep a roof over my head after college is over. I don't feel good about it, but I have to sacrifice the short-term for the long-term. It's for the best.

Anyway, now that you've been sufficiently caught up on the life of Ashley, I'll leave you to the rest of your day. I'm going to a Greek formal tonight with my boyfriend; I'll post pictures as soon as I can. Also, I'm delving into the foray of slam poetry, so I'll be posting some of my work for (constructive) criticism. Thank you for listening; I appreciate it more than you know. Talk to you soon!

25 Random Things...

1. I always say that I want to weigh 118 lbs. again (how much I weighed in high school), but I don't. Having boobs and backside makes me feel like a WOMAN.

2. My dream career would be one in which I make tons of money, boss people around, and wear cute suits and heels everyday. I'm thinking corporate America.

3. I often marvel at my ipod. That thing is magical indeed.

4. I've always wanted to be a professional ballet dancer, a film/Broadway actress, or a recording artist. Unfortunately, I'm not talented enough to do any of those things.

5. I wish I didn't believe in Prince Charming, because I'm afraid I'm not going to find him.

6. Taking a long walk on a beautiful day makes me very happy.

7. My mom means everything to me. I'd be completely lost without her.

8. I pretend like I'm in a music video whenever I listen to my favorite songs.

9. I think my purpose in life is to persuade people.

10. I'm so glad I was born a Black woman. Being a double minority makes all the successes I've had that much sweeter.

11. I'm double-jointed in one of my toes.

12. Living in the South is the closest to heaven I've ever been.

13. Shopping makes me happy. Shopping for other people makes me even happier.

14. I'm terrified about graduating from college. I'm scared I won't be able to make it on my own.

15. 'Sunny Came Home' by Shawn Colvin makes an appearance on the soundtrack of my life.

16. I plan on getting a pet turtle named Phillip in the immediate future.

17. I sometimes wonder if my thoughts are written in a thought bubble over my head and that everyone know exactly what's on my mind.

18. I try to make my bed every day. More often than not, it doesn't happen.

19. I get buyer's remorse all the time.

20. I try really hard to be nice, but people still see me as mean sometimes. I think it's because I'm so scared of getting taken advantage of that I subconsciously work hard to seem tough.

21. I cry every single time I watch one of those wedding or baby shows on TLC. I just get so happy for people.

22. Performing in front of people I know makes me really nervous. I feel like they're judging me.

23. I really admire people (Austin Ashford, Steph Patt, Bonny, etc.) who can write amazing poetry. I wish I could do it too.

24. At 21 years old, I still have no idea how to behave in the presence of men. They make me really flustered.

25. I remember awesome shows from my childhood and wish I could watch them now. Some of my favorites include 'The Torklesons', 'My Brother and Me', 'Hey Arnold!', 'Daria', 'The Lyricist Lounge Show', and 'Great Pretenders'.

Him

If you don't dream, you're never disappointed when those dreams don't come true.

I should know this by now.

I took a chance--I won't anymore.

"I want to bring out the best in you..."

I recently had a conversation with someone that I care for about the possibility of starting a serious relationship. This is a man that I've had feelings for for a long time, and I'm glad that we finally got everything out in the open about becoming more than just friends. While the conversation didn't go exactly how I wanted it to, I do have some new insights about what I want out of my romantic relationships.

I want a man who will let me bring out the best in him, and who will do the same for me. I don't believe in someone being my "other half;" that implies that I was incomplete without him. I believe that when you find the person you're truly meant to be with, he or she will inspire you to become the best person you possibly can be. Relationships to me are more about complimenting a person than completing them.

The person that I'm speaking of is...amazing. I mean, head-over-heels-marriage-and-kids-already-tried-out-his-last-name-with-my-first-name-to-see-how-it-sounds amazing. I'm hoping that he will let me into his heart and show him that being alone isn't the same as being strong. The strongest people are the ones that learn to love despite the pain it can bring.

If there is one thing I compliment myself on, it is the fact that no matter how many times I've been hurt, I'm still willing to open my heart and search for the man I am destined to be with. No one but God knows where he is or when we'll find each other, but I think that I've already found him. And if that's the case, I'm willing to take things as slowly as necessary--opportunities like this don't happen every day.

The search is on...

Recently I've started looking at apartments for my post-graduation move. Now you may be thinking, "It's only January--why are you looking so early?" Trust me, I asked myself the same question. But I'm starting now because I want to be very particular about the place I will be calling "home" for the next year (or more) of my life.

I want to make sure that I find a place where I can relax after working hard all day. I've been looking forward to this moment; I'm ridiculously excited about it. This is the sign that I'm growing up, and I'm ready for it. Also, I love the idea of being able to decorate my own house! I guess that's just the girly-girl coming out in me.

Wow. I never though time would go by so quickly. I'll be taking care of myself from now on...and I can't wait.

Amen...

After weeks of not hearing my cell phone alarm clock, I finally woke up in time for that Southern Sunday ritual--church. I'm not an overly religious person by any means, but I do believe that someone has a plan for all of us and that by showing compassion and love for one another, we can go to a place of eternal peace. And that, it seems, is where I struggle.

I love the Lord, but to love fellow human beings in the way that God loves me is hard sometimes. I tend to hold grudges, and learning to let go and let God is one of the lessons I struggle with daily. But how can you not hold people to the same standards that you hold yourself? I try to be as considerate to others as possible, and it bothers me (sometimes for weeks for months afterward) when others don't do the same. But I'm learning that God has a plan for everyone, that the only true judgment comes from Him, and that I have to focus on making myself the best person I can be before I can cast my eyes upon anyone else.

With that said, I'm going to finish my cereal and head to church. Hopefully today's sermon will speak to me and help me become the person I know I can be. Be blessed.

Time for me to do it...

On my own. As the culmination of my college career draws nearer, I've started thinking what it means to be an "adult." I know about jobs, bills, and all of those things, but what else will adulthood have in store for me? I keep thinking about all the places and people that I'm destined to meet during this life. It seems like just yesterday that I was turning 13 during my freshman year of high school, thinking 21 was light years away.

When looking to the future I've also found myself thinking about the present, the people and things that currently exist in my life. Some of them I intend to keep with me throughout my journey, others I'm leaving behind. It's deciding what goes where that's the hardest part. I'm really starting to rethink how I make my decisions; I'm scrutinizing more closely than ever who I let in my life and my heart. Maybe that's the secret to being an adult--recognizing that it's time to leave childhood behind and take full responsibility for the life you lead.

Desperate...College Student?

I recently picked up the first season of Desperate Housewives at the local video store to fill some of my winter break boredom. The show is filled with twists, turns, and most importantly...secrets. After watching the seemingly perfect lives of the ladies of Wisteria Lane and the secrets they struggle to keep hidden, I started to think about the indiscretions that I try to hide. Everyone has their secrets, the little bits and pieces of themselves they keep inside away from the prying eyes of others.

I've kept many a secret about myself, simply because I don't want anyone getting too close to me--when you let someone in your heart, you give them the power to break it. I'm both proud and resentful of this aspect of my personality--proud because I keep control of who I let into my heart, resentful because I feel like I've missed out on a lot of great experiences because of it. I don't regret my decision in the least, but sometimes I do wonder what kind of person I would have become if I'd chosen a different path.

At this point in my life, I feel like all the pieces of myself don't quite fit together. Not necessarily broken, just waiting for all the pieces to slide together in a perfect fit. I'm looking forward to the day when everything fits together in the way I'd like it to. Then, I'll finally be able to leave my secrets behind...