Ordinary Day

I woke up this morning with a headache, so the morning started off a bit roughly. After eating lunch and taking an aspirin--and also treating myself to a double-scoop of Andes Candies frozen custard at Culver's--I was feeling much better. Now I'm sitting at work, counting down the minutes until I leave here to go home and pretend to sleep for a few hours before my part-time job. Same old, same old.

I've been trying to relax and clear my head, but something keeps bothering me. I'm not going to talk about it here just yet because I'm still trying to work things out in my head. I'll let you know when I get things figured out though. One think I can say is that I'm clearly not very good at interacting with men. I don't get them, and I'm pretty sure they don't get me either. Oh well. More later.

Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

Three Good Things:

• Andes Candies frozen custard at Culver's.
• I talked to my mommy this morning.
• I've got peanut butter Oreos waiting for me at home.
  

(I think I'm stress-eating; I keep mentioning food.)

"I can't do this without you."

Last night I was talking to a friend on the phone and he said something that I've been waiting to hear my whole life. This particular gentleman, who I competed with on the speech and debate circuit, told me that he's too old to play games; at this point in his life, he's searching for his future wife.

I was literally shocked to tears. I've never heard a man say that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Especially someone like this guy: 23-years-old, college educated, no children, and as handsome as they come. I told him that I was going to get up and go to church just to thank God for what he'd said...and I did.

This morning, for the first time in a long time, I went to church. I sat in the front and listened to a service that felt like it was written just for me. Tears rolled down my face when my pastor asked everyone who'd ever felt unloved to raise their hands, then told us that Jesus loved us so much that he died to save us from ourselves.

During the alter call I just kept praying to God, "I can't do this without you." I can't get through a single day without His grace. The only way I could ever even come close to repaying Jesus for his sacrifice is to life my life in His image, and tell people about His love.

God really works in mysterious ways. I'm trying very hard not to get ahead of myself with this man, but he's been wonderful so far and I can't wait to get to know him better. You know how sometimes you just know that you're in the right place at the right time? That's how I feel about my life right now. I'm just taking things day by day from now on, waiting to see what God has in store for me.

Just me, myself, and I...

After a hilarious heart-to-heart with my friend Chad last night, I've decided to return to the world of blogging. I know I've promised again and again that I would write more frequently, but those were empty promises--and yes, I'm horribly ashamed. But now I'm back on the blog-wagon and ready to start talking about...whatever pops into my head.

And now it's time to be honest with you. It wasn't just my being busy that kept me from writing. I honestly didn't think that anyone cared what I had to say. I had no idea that people actually read this thing. I guess I figured that, since no one really paid attention to my ramblings, I might as well be quiet. And that's something I'm trying to change.

For the longest time I did things because of whether it made other people happy or not. There was a time in my life where my self-worth was wholly based on what other people (especially men) though of me. It was a really dark time; I've still got the emotional scars. But I'm working on being happy because I like who I am, not because someone else likes who I'm pretending to be.

Part of this renovation of self I'm undertaking is a celibacy vow. Yes, I said it. The muffin shop is closed until I meet someone worthy of a grand re-opening. So far things are going well, though there are times that I struggle.

For example, a guy I dated (sort of) a few years back recently popped back into my life. We had dinner and laughed and talked and all that lovey dovey mess--I thought things were going really well. Then,inevitably, the intimacy question popped up. I said I wasn't ready for that, and immediately he tells me to "just relax and let things happen," which I've learned is code for, "just lay there and let me take your clothes off." When I said no deal, he disappeared for a few days.

Now, Old Ashley would have handled this situation in one of two ways: 1.) Given up the goods in the first place, thinking that he'd like her more and want to date her; or 2.) Said no, felt really guilty about saying no, then gave up the goods out of fear that he'd leave. The outcome would be the same regardless--he would leave, and Old Ashley would be alone. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.

But New Ashley isn't going out like that! I said no, and for a while I morphed into Old Ashley and felt guilty about it and worried that he'd leave. But then I realized that I didn't want him to stay if that was all he wanted from me. So I stayed strong and held out. :) It baffles me that so many men would find it offensive that I'm making a decision to feel better about myself. But those guys aren't real men anyway; a real man would respect me for my decision and work hard to show me that he's the one I should choose.

But anyway, enough rambling for now. I promise I will write more often, even when I don't feel like I have anything important to say. Thanks to Chad for letting me know that at least one person took the time to listen. :)

I'm an idiot.

I should have known better, and I'll probably never forgive myself for this. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone.

Something New

I never thought I'd be able to compare myself to Sanaa Lathan. I also didn't think I'd be this happy. I hope everything works out this time.

Over. It.

I'm the type of girl who thought that I'd be married straight out of high school and start popping out babies as soon as possible (all the while maintaining a svelte figure and 4.0 college GPA). I'm wiser now, though. And I've learned a valuable lesson: MEN. ARE. FOOLS.

My baby Corn and I needed to vent about boys, so we came up with a list to start our healing process. Here it is--

What Boys Are:
stupid
self-centered
selfish
egocentric
lame
dicks
shitfaces
drama
life-suckers
headaches
pains in asses
and overall just...draining

Whew. I feel free.

I love love, don't get me wrong--I'm not a man-hating radical feminist. I love men too (the good ones anyway). But I honestly do not have time for the drama that comes with a relationship. I hope to find one someday, but right now I've got too much going on in my life to worry about it. I find myself wishing that I were in love, that I had a man to share my dreams and life with. But I know that now just isn't the right time for that. I have to graduate and get my career in order before I can really focus on starting a serious relationship. My mom would be so proud to hear me say this--she doesn't want me to get married until I'm 35.