What is a friend, anyway?

Random topic: friendship.

I've noticed lately that most of my so-called friendships are practically non-existent until someone needs something from me. Unless he or she is asking for a ride, a place to stay, or to borrow some money, I won't hear from him or her. I've always been a giving person; I'm the one who will go out of my way to make sure the people I care about are well taken care of. Heck, I just dropped all of my plans last Saturday (my first Saturday off in a loooooong time) to take a stranded former teammate to the airport--the same former teammate that used me and lied to me a few months back. I do what I can to make people happy.

But I can't blame everything on everyone else. I've got a lot going on that makes me hard to hang out with; I work two jobs, I hang out with my boyfriend occasionally, and I'm just really tired a lot. I don't mind being by myself; sometimes I choose hanging out at home instead of going to the bar or wherever people are socializing. I know I should go out and start hanging out with people, but I'm not sure how to go about it. This is so embarrassing--I don't know how to make friends anymore. I'm not quite sure where to start.

I've been thinking about moving away, going someplace new and starting over. I can't really afford to do that right now, but if I can find a job willing to cover relocation expenses I'll take it. I've already applied for one and am looking for others. I don't really want to leave, but it might be the best thing for me right now. Who knows?

(Oh, and the website that I usually use to post songs with my blogs is shutting down. Sad day.)

Three Good Things:

• I get paid this week.
• Daria finally came in.
• It finally stopped raining.
  

All quiet on the western front...

Mmmkay. So I promised a longer blog, and here it is. The problem is, I don't really have that much to talk about. But I'm a determined individual, so I'll try to keep y'all entertained as I talk about my current (and somewhat boring) life.

I start my new job next Tuesday, and I'm really excited about it. I'll definitely miss most of the people I work with, along with that 30% discount. But hopefully switching to a job outside of the mall will save me money--I won't be tempted to buy the new cute shirt/panties/bra/nail polish we just got in stock, shop on my lunch break, or buy dinner in the food court. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I'm also looking forward to doing something different and getting away from some of the drama that exists at VS. Try as people might to deny that drama exists, it does--mostly because they cause it.

But on a much less passive-aggressive note, I haven't really been up to too much lately. I'm mostly watching a lot of 'Hey Arnold' and hanging out around the house. I've actually hung out with Colby and Sammie a few times, and they're loads of fun. We watched 'Too Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar' last night and made chicken salad--it was awesome. :)

Tomorrow is my day off and I've got some errands to run: getting my car window fixed, shopping for work clothes, making appointments, blah blah blah. But some of us were thinking about going to a club in Nashville tomorrow night, so hopefully some crunkness will transpire. Sorry about the lack of excitement in this post; as soon as something pops off, y'all will be the first to know. Promise.

In My Ears: Jesse McCartney, 'It's Over'; Shakira, 'She-Wolf'; Beyonce, 'If I Were a Boy'

Out of the loop.

I grew up an only child for most of my life. Though my mom's boyfriend's son (complicated, I know) did come and live with us, he came when I was in eighth grade and left after my junior year of high school. I was practically grown by then, so I don't really count that experience--and also because we mostly stayed out of each other's way. I'm used to being by myself, so I don't mind it that much. Sometimes, though, it gets to me.

My apartment is completely across town from where all of my friends live, so going to hang out with them is kind of a trek. I also work full-time, so a lot of times I have to leave early because I have work the next day or I'm just too tired to hang out after a full day of work. Which is understandable (at least it is to me), but it doesn't make things much easier or much fun.

I guess sometimes I just feel left out of things. Like I'm not really a part of the loop. Everyone else seems like they don't have too many worries, that summer is really summer--something to enjoy. I'm only 21 and I feel so much older than I am. I'm constantly worried about bills and work and being responsible. I think that's what I should be doing, but I feel left out of everything else. I don't know. I guess that, behind the capable, confident, adult me there's someone who's just...lonely. Did I grow up too fast? I'm not sure anymore.

My mom always said, "The only person you can depend on is yourself." I believe that to be true, but I don't want to live my life alone either. I think I need to branch out, meet some new people. I found an interesting quotation today that kind of sums up how I feel about all this: "It is a very lonely life that a man leads, who becomes aware of truths before their times." -Thomas Brackett Reed