"If that's love, it comes at much too high a cost."

Well, my boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. Things have been a bit rocky for some time, and I guess it was just time for us to end things and move on. I was all for talking it out and seeing if we could make it work, but not everyone is willing to put for the effort to try and salvage something...even a relationship.

Deep down, I knew that things weren't working out--they weren't going the way I wanted them to. Too many times I got upset over the constant favors I'd be asked for, the canceled plans, the phone calls and text messages that never came. But I think that I was hoping things would change, that the bond between us would overrule all the bad things that were popping up in our relationship. But I've been with enough guys to know that they never change. I'm usually the one doing all the changing, and I'm sick of that. I'm not going to compromise who I am or what I believe in for a man anymore.

Overall I've been pretty upset about the breakup, but after a long sob-fest and a somewhat sleepless night, I actually feel a little better (thanks to some great friends, coworkers, and family). My mom is convinced that I'll meet someone else someday, someone more professional and on the same level I am, but I'm not so sure. I'm so tired of trying, of meeting someone new and starting the whole silly dating process over again. It's exhausting and usually ends up in hurt feelings. But who knows? Maybe she's right. As I've grown up I've learned that she's been right about a lot of things. :)

John 13:34

"To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others."

-Anne-Sophie Swetchine

I haven't found my true love yet, but I know he's out there somewhere. God will bring him to me when I'm ready. Hopefully we will be able to create something beautiful from that love, something to show the world the realness of God's blessings.

This is my favorite song, and it will be the song my husband and I have our first dance to at our wedding (if I have my way, which I often do lol). Enjoy today, and spread love to someone who needs it. Happy Valentine's Day.

Can You Stand The Rain - Boyz ...

Three Good Things:

• I ordered seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Hey Arnold--they should be here by Tuesday.
• I got a cute Valentine's text from my mom this morning.
• Valentine candy is half-off tomorrow!
  

Eclipse

"It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like...gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her...You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.

...He'll be her perfect match. Like he was designed for her alone."

[From Eclipse, by Stephenie Meyer]

And not only that, but the character who spoke these words was a 6'4", brown-skinned, ridiculously muscled, heartbreakingly handsome werewolf--one of the sexiest men I've ever seen. You see where my unrealistic expectations of love are coming from? Why do I torture myself by reading this stuff??? Ugh!

...Because it's beautiful, that's why. And I say that as grudgingly as possible. But it's just a story after all. I'm not foolish enough to believe in fairy tales anymore.

Ain't No Other Man - Christina...

Three Good Things:

• I might be filing my taxes online (for free) this afternoon
• Slow day at work.
  
• This damn book.
  

"This ain't a fairytale..."

I just finished re-reading Twilight last night. I know, I'm a nerd. But I'm a cute nerd, so back off. Anyway, the story of Edward and Bella is breathtakingly beautiful. The fact that they fight to be together despite his...situation is really sweet to me. Even though I know it's all made up and would probably never happen in real life, it's nice to make believe sometimes.

I've always wanted some handsome prince to swoop in and take me away--true love, riding off into the sunset. Of course, I quickly outgrew that fantasy when my string of relationships ended more like nightmares than dreams. I'm still holding out hope that the man God made for me is out there somewhere. I'm probably just not ready for him yet. Someday, though, it will happen. And though it won't be perfect--no relationship is perfect--it will be something brought together by God. And that's all I need it to be.

I was thinking about where the inspiration for this post came from, and I just realized I'm writing this because I want to be kissed. That's it. No one has kissed me in quite some time. I'm flushing with embarrassment just writing this, but if I can't say what I want here, where can I? I want a man to kiss me...and mean it. Not because I asked him to, not because he thinks he's gonna get laid if he does, but because he wants to show me how he feels about me. I doubt it's going to happen any time in the near future, but I'm cool with that. A girl can imagine. :)

White Horse - Taylor Swift

Three Good Things:

• I finally cleaned up my kitchen last night! (Tonight I'm tackling the living room and bathroom.)
• I had my first Gigi's cupcake yesterday--I now know where most of my paychecks will be spent.
• I'm canceling my credit cards this week...my first step toward getting out of debt. :)
  

The Too Much

SS mentioned his strengths and weaknesses in relationships to me the other day, and it made me start thinking about the things in my personality that I thought were benefits and detriments to my romantic relationships. So, I started a list:

Strengths:

1. I love hard. When I love someone, I love them with every single part of me.
2. I give. When I'm with someone, whatever I have, they have. If my baby wants it, I'll try my best to make it happen.
3. I'm ride or die. I'm extremely loyal, and I'll stay by my man's side through anything.
   
4. I'm affectionate. I really enjoy hugging and kissing and cuddling--all that lovey-dovey nonsense. I'm also a complimenter; if I like your outfit, shoes, face, whatever, I'll tell you about it.
5. I listen. I try my best not to make conversations about me. I tend to ask lots of open-ended questions so people will talk about themselves. I'm really interested in people, especially the people I care about. I also try to find a solution to every problem and a silver lining to every cloud.
   

Weaknesses:

1. I have expectations. This may be wrong, but whatever I give I expect in return. If I'm willing to go the extra mile for you, you should be willing to do the same.
   
2. I'm sensitive. I sometimes take things too seriously and my feelings get hurt.
   
3. I keep quiet. If I'm upset about something, I usually keep it to myself if it's not a huge deal. I like to pick my battles but sometimes that results in me being silent more often than speaking up.
   
4. I'm (slightly) jealous. You all know I've been working on my self-esteem, so it makes sense that watching my man interact with other girls would throw me off a bit. I'm not crazy jealous by any means, but I do get a slight twinge of jealousy sometimes.
   
5. I think too far ahead. I'm a planner by nature, and I tend to get ahead of myself when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think things are more serious than they actually are.

I've been thinking a lot about the man that God designed for me. I sometimes joke and say that I don't think I'll ever get married because I don't know how any man could put up with me for the rest of his life. But somewhere, there's a man who can deal with the person that I am--I know that God created him; I feel it. I wonder if he's looking for me too.

This is one of my favorite poems. I actually competed with this in a poetry program for speech my freshman year and got 5th in the nation. Christa Bell taught me that it's okay to love too much.

Christa Bell: 'The Too Much'


Three Good Things:

• I went to an oxygen bar in Nashville and it was AWESOME.
  
• I finally cleaned all the junk out of my car.
  
• I ate Ihop again. :)
  

Make it last forever...

Everyone I know is getting married. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen--all of the girls at work, people I went to high school with, everyone I come in CONTACT with is engaged, for the love of everything! And I feel so...left out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get hitched just yet. I can barely take care of myself, so how on God's green earth am I supposed to take care of someone else? I just miss...romance. Waking up next to someone, going through your day with them by your side, falling asleep in their arms at night...then waking up and doing it all again. I know that's the chick flick, Danielle Steele, movie-star-picture-perfect version of love that doesn't exist in real life, but what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.

I'm dating someone right now who lives 3,000 miles away. Needless to say, waking up next to him is impossible at this point. But I'm looking forward to seeing where things go. He's a great guy, and I'm lucky to have him. But I'm nowhere near ready for marriage right now. I still have to figure out who I am before I can commit myself to someone else.

"I want to bring out the best in you..."

I recently had a conversation with someone that I care for about the possibility of starting a serious relationship. This is a man that I've had feelings for for a long time, and I'm glad that we finally got everything out in the open about becoming more than just friends. While the conversation didn't go exactly how I wanted it to, I do have some new insights about what I want out of my romantic relationships.

I want a man who will let me bring out the best in him, and who will do the same for me. I don't believe in someone being my "other half;" that implies that I was incomplete without him. I believe that when you find the person you're truly meant to be with, he or she will inspire you to become the best person you possibly can be. Relationships to me are more about complimenting a person than completing them.

The person that I'm speaking of is...amazing. I mean, head-over-heels-marriage-and-kids-already-tried-out-his-last-name-with-my-first-name-to-see-how-it-sounds amazing. I'm hoping that he will let me into his heart and show him that being alone isn't the same as being strong. The strongest people are the ones that learn to love despite the pain it can bring.

If there is one thing I compliment myself on, it is the fact that no matter how many times I've been hurt, I'm still willing to open my heart and search for the man I am destined to be with. No one but God knows where he is or when we'll find each other, but I think that I've already found him. And if that's the case, I'm willing to take things as slowly as necessary--opportunities like this don't happen every day.