Tired of Chasing

I just got really fed up with chasing. I feel like I always go out of my way to make the people I'm interested in feel special, and I haven't gotten anything back. I want someone to chase me for once...

Three Good Things

• Made a little extra cash writing articles.
• Took a great nap today.
  
• Job interview in Wisconsin on Wednesday--wish me luck!
  

"I'll be better than I am..."

So many things have happened in the month (gosh, I feel horrible typing that) since I've last updated. I know I said I would update more frequently, I felt bad about not posting more, blah blah blah. I'm not going to say all that stuff again because you probably wouldn't believe me--heck, I wouldn't even believe me. So I'm just going to post when I remember to. I can't make myself into someone I'm not.

First, I am still happily single. I've gone on a date since Dylan and I ended things, and it was fun; it was nice to meet a guy who's on my level--job, degree, God fearing, motivated. We went to dinner and for ice cream and...he kissed me. It was really nice. :) I felt myself getting too caught up in it; I wanted us to be boyfriend/girlfriend RIGHT AWAY. But then I shook myself back and saw that I was doing the same thing I always do: trying to find satisfaction in someone else instead of being happy with myself. So things are good. We're going to see Eclipse tonight with some of his friends, and I'm not gonna get my hopes up about it. Hopefully it will just be a good time for everyone.

Second, I will be going to Wisconsin sometime soon for a final interview for a job there. I'm really excited, but nervous at the same time--Kentucky is the only place I've ever lived. My family, my friends, everything I love is here. I don't know if I could just leave it. But I also know that, if I stay, I'll be selling myself short. I gave everything over to God and told him that whatever he wanted me to do, I would do. If He wants me in Wisconsin, that's where I'll be! So I'll go to the interview and give it my best. If things go well, I could be updating from a new home in a new state!

Third, I'm finally starting to save some money. It's not much, but it's a start. I feel much better about my financial situation now, but I know I have a looooonnnng way to go to get where I want to be. I'll be out of debt in about 3 years, hopefully sooner if I get a better job that pays more. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the possibility that I'll be moving to Wisconsin; it will cost about $2,000 to break the lease on my apartment, and I do NOT have that money right now. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Overall, things are going much better in the money department.

That's about all I have for now. I'm feeling really good about everything that's happening; I haven't felt this peaceful in a long time. Life is good. :)

Three Good Things:

• Off tonight and tomorrow at my second job.
• Family cookout on Saturday.
• Sleeping in on Monday--Happy Fourth of July!
  

Lucky Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I wore green accidentally today--lucky me! I would've hated to get fired for punching a co-worker who dared to pinch me.

Life is pretty good right now. Still haven't gotten word about the job, but I'm not giving up hope. Just in case it doesn't work out, I've got an interview for a part-time job at the mall to help supplement my income a bit (I'm tired of cleaning up after people, so I've decided to stop working at the arena). Keep your fingers crossed for me though.

My boyfriend is lovely. He's the best part of my life right now and I'm so blessed to have him. We've had a few rough patches, but things are working out well so far. Who knows where this will lead? All I know is I'm enjoying the journey right now. :)

I just wanted to give you a quick update--I promise I'll write more when I've got more to write about. :) Enjoy your St. Paddy's Day and watch out for leprechauns!

Three Good Things:

• Delicious red grapes for breakfast.
  
• Yummy chicken salad sandwich for lunch.
• Peanut butter cookie (bought for me by my oh-so-sweet boyfriend) for dessert. He's the best!
  

What's Going On

I'm writing this post from underneath a hooded hair dryer in the comfort of my bedroom. For all the black girls out there, this is no surprise. Most women of color I know have all the hairdressing accoutrements to start their own beauty shops. Hair is a big deal to us. But I digress. It's time for the update I promised y'all.

I still don't know anything about the job I'm up for, but I should know by next week. I called yesterday and was told that they are waiting for paperwork to come back from their regional office and that they'd let us know just as soon as they knew something. I'm relieved, but nervous at the same time. I really, really want this job...but I'll just have to wait and see. I'll let you know as soon as I hear something.

I've been working my part-time job every night this week, so I've been lacking a bit in the sleep department. I can't wait to quit; the extra money is enough to make me stay, but I would love not to have to clean up after fully capable adults every night of my life. It makes me not even want to clean up my own house. I think everyone should have to do this job at some point in his or her life (just like I think people should have to work in a daycare--preferably a ghetto daycare--before they have kids). I've got a newfound respect for people who clean, and I'm the first person to grab my trash and toss it so someone else doesn't have to now.

My boyfriend is excellent. We...mesh well. He's weird, and so am I, and that works for us. There hasn't been a day that I haven't seen him since we started dating. This part of my life is good. :) I've got two friends staying with me while their dorms are closed for spring break, and I'm looking forward to having some company in the house--especially these two. They're wild! I've got a slight medical issue (there's something wrong with my leg), but hopefully I'll be able to get it looked at sometime next week. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just let you know what's up when I find out what the hell it is.

Everything else is going well so far; I can't complain at all. I wish I had more to tell you, but there isn't too much going on right now. The weather is beautiful, so after my hair is finished I'm heading out to enjoy it before I have to work tonight. Have a great weekend!

Three Good Things:

• I've got a day off from both jobs tomorrow, so the boyfriend and I are going to spend the whole day together.
• I went an entire week without breaking a single nail (a vast improvement, as I had to have seven repaired last week).
• My hair is almost dry!
  

Loose Ends

I've finally taken care of something that I've needed to do for the past week. I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision, but making mistakes is a part of life. Here's to starting fresh, MY way.

Superwoman - Alicia Keys

Three Good Things:

• Nail appointment today.
• Chocolate Festival tomorrow.
• I should know something about the job soon.
  

Changes

It's time for me to make some decisions. I've said it before (and hopefully I won't have to say it again)--I'm tired of living my life on other people's terms. I want to do things my way. It's not that I'm selfish and I want everything done how I want it all the time. I'm just not going to give so much of myself in order to please others. No relationship is 50/50; sometimes you take more, sometimes you give more. But I've noticed that, more often than not, I'm the one giving more. So I'm starting to make some changes. And if I make mistakes, then I'm going to own up to them. God is the one who's ultimately in control, and now I'm going to make decisions based on what He tells me to do, not what other people want me to do.

Three Good Things:

• Chocolate Festival (a fundraiser for my job) this weekend.
• Hey Arnold should be here tomorrow.
  
• I met someone who's willing to do things my way.
  

John 13:34

"To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others."

-Anne-Sophie Swetchine

I haven't found my true love yet, but I know he's out there somewhere. God will bring him to me when I'm ready. Hopefully we will be able to create something beautiful from that love, something to show the world the realness of God's blessings.

This is my favorite song, and it will be the song my husband and I have our first dance to at our wedding (if I have my way, which I often do lol). Enjoy today, and spread love to someone who needs it. Happy Valentine's Day.

Can You Stand The Rain - Boyz ...

Three Good Things:

• I ordered seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Hey Arnold--they should be here by Tuesday.
• I got a cute Valentine's text from my mom this morning.
• Valentine candy is half-off tomorrow!
  

Listen

I am who I am. I worry too much, I try too hard, and I forget everything. I don't do it on purpose, and to hurt anyone is not my aim. I'm doing the best that I can.

A Place in this World - Taylor...

Three Good Things:

• I had an excellent time with a friend last night.
• One of my co-workers brought me a Valentine's cookie this morning.
• I'm going to file my taxes for free this year (either online or with a free tax prep program at a bank in town.)
  

Holding Back

I've noticed something about myself. Whenever I get upset about something, the anger doesn't come right away. Usually, the longer I think about something, the madder I get. I have no idea why this is, but that's the way I've always been.

I wrote a very angry post this morning, but I'm not going to publish it just yet. I need time to decide if this is a battle I really want to fight. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on, but this is something I'm not sure I want to give up on just yet. Hopefully I'll get some clarity from God; he's probably sick of hearing my prayers but I need a lot of help right now.

Today has been okay so far. I feel...different--kind of hesitant. Like I'm constantly second-guessing myself. It's very unsettling, but hopefully things will work out soon. I feel like I try very hard to make everyone happy. I can't do so much anymore; it's just making me frustrated. Whew. I just need a talk with God and a nap. Pray for me; my heart is hurting.

Three Good Things:

• Leftover chicken biryani for lunch.
• I finally have all of my tax info so I can file.
• Work tomorrow and Thursday at my part-time job for some extra cash.

Three Not-So-Good Things:

• Just got a $115 electricity bill.
• My head is pounding.
• It's FREEZING and the wind is cruel.

(Sorry, y'all. I had to get some not-good-things out of my head today.)

Already Gone

My heart hurts so badly I'm finding it hard to think. I feel like my magic carpet was just yanked from beneath me and now I'm plummeting toward the ground. I truly was not expecting this.

Last night SS said that we needed to have a serious conversation. Basically, he told me that he wasn't sure that he could handle the distance between us. He said that I was what he was looking for in a woman, but the one thing holding us back was the fact that he lived in Texas and I'm here in Kentucky.

I honestly don't know what to say. Immediately after our conversation ended I was on my knees, talking to God. I asked him for guidance, peace, and strength. I told him that my life was His and that whatever He wanted me to do was what I would do. Most of all, I prayed that SS wouldn't be hurt in this. I want him to be happy more than I want myself to be; I care about him so much more than anyone knows.

And now I don't know what to do. I'm perpetually on the verge of tears. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I really just need God to tell me what to do--I don't think He would give me something so wonderful just to take it away. SS is the man that I've been praying for, and I think that this is a test from God to see how hard we're willing to work for our blessing. Proverbs 14:23 says, "All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."

My self-confidence was rattled; what if he finds someone better, someone closer, someone who can do what I can't because there's 2000 miles between us? I know that I haven't done anything wrong, but this really threw me for a loop. I am truly at a loss for words (which, if you know me at all, doesn't happen very often).

Now I have to go to work and pretend that nothing's wrong, all the while wondering what's going to happen next. I'm trying my best to give this whole situation up to God; I know that he'll make everything work. I just feel very...helpless, I guess. I have a feeling that God and I are going to be talking a lot today.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Hea...

Three Good Things:

• I woke up this morning.
• It finally stopped raining.
• I went to church yesterday and got a great message.

(Coming up with these three things was so hard. I don't feel very good right now. But like I told SS, this problem could be so much bigger. We just have to rely on God to bring us through.)

The Too Much

SS mentioned his strengths and weaknesses in relationships to me the other day, and it made me start thinking about the things in my personality that I thought were benefits and detriments to my romantic relationships. So, I started a list:

Strengths:

1. I love hard. When I love someone, I love them with every single part of me.
2. I give. When I'm with someone, whatever I have, they have. If my baby wants it, I'll try my best to make it happen.
3. I'm ride or die. I'm extremely loyal, and I'll stay by my man's side through anything.
   
4. I'm affectionate. I really enjoy hugging and kissing and cuddling--all that lovey-dovey nonsense. I'm also a complimenter; if I like your outfit, shoes, face, whatever, I'll tell you about it.
5. I listen. I try my best not to make conversations about me. I tend to ask lots of open-ended questions so people will talk about themselves. I'm really interested in people, especially the people I care about. I also try to find a solution to every problem and a silver lining to every cloud.
   

Weaknesses:

1. I have expectations. This may be wrong, but whatever I give I expect in return. If I'm willing to go the extra mile for you, you should be willing to do the same.
   
2. I'm sensitive. I sometimes take things too seriously and my feelings get hurt.
   
3. I keep quiet. If I'm upset about something, I usually keep it to myself if it's not a huge deal. I like to pick my battles but sometimes that results in me being silent more often than speaking up.
   
4. I'm (slightly) jealous. You all know I've been working on my self-esteem, so it makes sense that watching my man interact with other girls would throw me off a bit. I'm not crazy jealous by any means, but I do get a slight twinge of jealousy sometimes.
   
5. I think too far ahead. I'm a planner by nature, and I tend to get ahead of myself when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think things are more serious than they actually are.

I've been thinking a lot about the man that God designed for me. I sometimes joke and say that I don't think I'll ever get married because I don't know how any man could put up with me for the rest of his life. But somewhere, there's a man who can deal with the person that I am--I know that God created him; I feel it. I wonder if he's looking for me too.

This is one of my favorite poems. I actually competed with this in a poetry program for speech my freshman year and got 5th in the nation. Christa Bell taught me that it's okay to love too much.

Christa Bell: 'The Too Much'


Three Good Things:

• I went to an oxygen bar in Nashville and it was AWESOME.
  
• I finally cleaned all the junk out of my car.
  
• I ate Ihop again. :)
  

"Once again I ask too much of you..."

I'm fresh from a 7:30 p.m. showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and let me tell you, that movie was AMAZING. It didn't follow the plot of the book exactly, but the acting was great and the cinematography was absolutely breathtaking. I'm probably going to see it again next week. That may sound like a lot, but it was spectacular.

So that was the fun stuff--yay. Now it's time for me to talk about some things that have been on my mind lately. One of the quotations from HBP actually inspired the post. During one of the pivotal scenes in the movie, Dumbledore says to Harry, "Once again I ask too much of you, Harry." Dumbledore did ask for Harry's complete trust, but did he ask too much of him? He did, after all, only have the best interest of the wizarding world (and Harry himself) at heart.

Which made me ask myself, do I ask too much of you? I'm thinking of one person in particular, and I don't believe the things I'm asking for are too much. I'm a pretty low-maintenance person, generally speaking. I like good food, good books, and good friends. I'm not the type of person who has to go out every night to see and be seen or have the latest outfit or gadget to be happy--I'm content with who I am and what I have. What I do ask for, though, is honesty...committment...affection...attention.

You don't have to be in my face all the time or call me every single minute, but I do want to know that you care enough to contact me every once in a while. It doesn't even have to be a long phone call--a simple text will do. I'm a firm believer that that simple things are the best things, and that the key to a healthy relationship (romantic or otherwise) is communication. My communication skills are what I'm most proud of about myself, and I only expect from others what I expect from myself.

Do I think I'm asking for too much? No, I honestly don't. But I do feel that honesty, committment, affection, and attention are things that I deserve. No longer will I settle for anything less.

...or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I have to ask this before my head explodes from frustration. Why is it that once you get in a relationship with someone, everyone in the free world suddenly wants to get all flirty with you? I honestly don't get it. I've been single for who knows how long, waiting for someone to pay me attention, then I get a boyfriend and BAM! Ashley's the hottest thing on the block. It just doesn't make sense, people.

But now that I've vented a bit, I'll let you know about the other events taking place in my life thus far. I'm officially leaving Victoria's Secret. I don't want to, but I've got some other opportunities that I want to take advantage of right now. Hopefully one day I can come back to the company, but for right now I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm really excited about my new job and will definitely keep you updated on how it goes once I officially get started.

On the personal side, the male species has taken a spontaneous interest in me as of late. Who knows why, really. I'm kind of into it, but mostly just confused. Am I emitting some sort of pheromones or something? Anyway, Marcus will be here the last week of this month to visit. I'm really excited to see him, but I can't lie--this long-distance thing has been really hard. Maybe it will get better after I see him again, but I'm not the type of person who can build a relationship on occasional text messages and phone calls. But I'll think about all that once he gets here; we'll talk and see if we can work things out.

Other than those things, nothing major has been happening. I go to work, hang out with friends, and play The Sims 3 WAAAYY more than I should. I can't complain about life though--things are going pretty well. If things pop off, you'll be the first to know. Later.

Oh, shit.

I'm in a pickle now. It's funny how life can get REALLY complicated all at once.

More later.

Time...

Wow. Everything is moving so fast. I'm going to graduate from college in about 70 days. I'm absolutely terrified, but looking forward to it too. I'm excited to not have to worry about finals, papers, and classes for a year or so. :)

In other news, I finally found an apartment! I can't wait to move in and start living on my own. I've been a little concerned about if I'll make ends meet, but I should be fine. I've got to start budgeting and really crack down on my spending habits--something I've known I need to do for a while. But I've already got quite a bit saved for the deposit, rent, and furniture, so I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm really looking forward to decorating and having my own little home.

Things have been going okay in the relationship department as well. We've had our ups and downs, but I think that with consistent, honest communication we should make things work. The relationship is still new--we're still getting to know each others habits and things like that. I have high hopes for it though; it's been a while since I've been this happy with someone else.

I can't believe how time has flown by. I still remember playing house on the blacktop behind Hodgenville Elementary School, cheering for middle school basketball games in eight grade, and walking in a processional around the LaRue County High School gym after getting my diploma like it was yesterday. I can't wait for all the new memories I get to create, truly living life on my own for the first time.

"I want to bring out the best in you..."

I recently had a conversation with someone that I care for about the possibility of starting a serious relationship. This is a man that I've had feelings for for a long time, and I'm glad that we finally got everything out in the open about becoming more than just friends. While the conversation didn't go exactly how I wanted it to, I do have some new insights about what I want out of my romantic relationships.

I want a man who will let me bring out the best in him, and who will do the same for me. I don't believe in someone being my "other half;" that implies that I was incomplete without him. I believe that when you find the person you're truly meant to be with, he or she will inspire you to become the best person you possibly can be. Relationships to me are more about complimenting a person than completing them.

The person that I'm speaking of is...amazing. I mean, head-over-heels-marriage-and-kids-already-tried-out-his-last-name-with-my-first-name-to-see-how-it-sounds amazing. I'm hoping that he will let me into his heart and show him that being alone isn't the same as being strong. The strongest people are the ones that learn to love despite the pain it can bring.

If there is one thing I compliment myself on, it is the fact that no matter how many times I've been hurt, I'm still willing to open my heart and search for the man I am destined to be with. No one but God knows where he is or when we'll find each other, but I think that I've already found him. And if that's the case, I'm willing to take things as slowly as necessary--opportunities like this don't happen every day.