"I'm wishin' on a star..."

Ah, the sweet sounds of Teena Marie. While she was crooning about the man of her dreams, I'm thinking about more tangible things...like stuff. you know, "real" stuff. Stuff I'm planning on buying once I finally start making real money.

Working two jobs and still struggling to make ends meet hasn't been fun. Not only have I been perpetually exhausted and stressed, but I also can't afford to buy and do the things I want to. This may seem superficial, but I like stuff as much as any other red-blooded American--especially shoes. So I've been working on a "wish list" of things I'd like to get once I start my new job. Wanna hear it? Here it goes!

Things

• Iphone (Already ordered and should be here in a few weeks!)
• Two HD tvs (The tv I have now is super big and old; I'd love to have a new one to replace it, plus one for my bedroom.)
• Christian Louboutin pumps (These cost around $1,500. This is definitely more of a dream than a reality, but I'm being honest here.)
• Coach bag (I saw an AMAZING one at the Coach store when I went apartment hunting a few weeks ago. It WILL be mine.)
• New clothes (What can I say? I'm a girl.)
  

Services

• DirecTV (After over a year without cable, I want every single channel imaginable.)
• Get my nails/toes done every two weeks (A salon in Madison has a manicure that is supposed to last two whole weeks. I never get to pamper myself, so I'm going to now.)
• Take a yoga/pilates class once a week (I want to be more health conscious and exercise more, and I'll actually have the time to do it.)

This may seem silly, but it's fun to talk about the things you'd do if you had the money. But before I start spending too much money on things I want, I plan on taking care of the things I need: paying down my credit card debt, getting the dental work I need, and paying off the loans I got to subsidize the move and previous dental procedures. I'm going to save more, too. I can't wait until some of these wishes actually come true!

Three Good Things:

• My birthday (and the move) is fast approaching.
• I'm slowly but surely getting things packed in my apartment.
  
• The weather is finally cooling down!
  

"I'll be better than I am..."

So many things have happened in the month (gosh, I feel horrible typing that) since I've last updated. I know I said I would update more frequently, I felt bad about not posting more, blah blah blah. I'm not going to say all that stuff again because you probably wouldn't believe me--heck, I wouldn't even believe me. So I'm just going to post when I remember to. I can't make myself into someone I'm not.

First, I am still happily single. I've gone on a date since Dylan and I ended things, and it was fun; it was nice to meet a guy who's on my level--job, degree, God fearing, motivated. We went to dinner and for ice cream and...he kissed me. It was really nice. :) I felt myself getting too caught up in it; I wanted us to be boyfriend/girlfriend RIGHT AWAY. But then I shook myself back and saw that I was doing the same thing I always do: trying to find satisfaction in someone else instead of being happy with myself. So things are good. We're going to see Eclipse tonight with some of his friends, and I'm not gonna get my hopes up about it. Hopefully it will just be a good time for everyone.

Second, I will be going to Wisconsin sometime soon for a final interview for a job there. I'm really excited, but nervous at the same time--Kentucky is the only place I've ever lived. My family, my friends, everything I love is here. I don't know if I could just leave it. But I also know that, if I stay, I'll be selling myself short. I gave everything over to God and told him that whatever he wanted me to do, I would do. If He wants me in Wisconsin, that's where I'll be! So I'll go to the interview and give it my best. If things go well, I could be updating from a new home in a new state!

Third, I'm finally starting to save some money. It's not much, but it's a start. I feel much better about my financial situation now, but I know I have a looooonnnng way to go to get where I want to be. I'll be out of debt in about 3 years, hopefully sooner if I get a better job that pays more. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the possibility that I'll be moving to Wisconsin; it will cost about $2,000 to break the lease on my apartment, and I do NOT have that money right now. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Overall, things are going much better in the money department.

That's about all I have for now. I'm feeling really good about everything that's happening; I haven't felt this peaceful in a long time. Life is good. :)

Three Good Things:

• Off tonight and tomorrow at my second job.
• Family cookout on Saturday.
• Sleeping in on Monday--Happy Fourth of July!
  

Drowning

I wish someone would come and take me away from this. I just want to live outside of myself for awhile, get away from the problems that just keep creeping up on me.

I got news today that I need over $3,000 worth of dental work. I don't know what I'm going to do.

That seems to be the story of my life these days.

Three Good Things:

• I'm awake.
• I'm not in pain.
• I still have my job.
  

"I get away only in my mind..."

I'm sitting at my desk at work, fighting back tears. I've never tried so hard to get my life together. I'm really working to make myself a better person. But it seems like every time I do something right, another piece of my life slides out of place. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I enrolled myself in a debt management program; I went a little crazy with a couple of credit cards and decided to get help with my debt. I've been paying on time every month since February. And still, I'm getting bills from creditors asking for late fees. One of my medical bills has gone to collection. People keep asking for money, and it's getting to the point that I don't know where it's going to come from anymore.

More and more I find myself wishing that I wasn't who I am. I want to be someone else, someone who doesn't have to struggle every single day to stay above water. I guess it's good in a way; I'm being motivated to do better with the hopes that I won't have to work so hard all the time, that I'll find one job--instead of three or four--that will pay my bills. I'm trying to channel all the negative energy into positive thoughts, but some days--like today--are so much harder than others.

Through the grace of God, I just got paid for one of my writing jobs; I got the bulk of the money yesterday, and the rest is coming today. Tomorrow I'll deposit the cash. Friday, I'll write two checks and hand the money I worked so hard for to someone else. Every night, I'll pray that someday soon I won't have to worry so much.

I Sit Away - Boyz II Men

Three Good Things:

• I woke up this morning.
• The woman at the medical office was kind to me; she let me split my balance into two payments so it would be easier to pay.
• I still have a roof over my head and food in my cabinets.
  

Barely Breathing

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I ended up owing $300 to the government for taxes, so my paycheck is gone already. It just seems like, no matter how hard I work, I just can't keep my head above water. I'm trying really hard to stay positive though. I want to save some money and go on a vacation somewhere, but that doesn't seem likely if I keep having to hand over all my money to someone else. I know God has a plan for me though.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time."
1 Peter 5:6

Three Good Things:

• The weather is lovely.
• I'm taking the night off from my part-time job tonight--I just need a break.
• I should have a pretty nice check from working every night last week.
  

Up

For those who heard about the potential Angry Ashley blow up that occurred yesterday, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better today. Definitely not at top form, but overall much happier. Things are looking up.

I've been struggling just a bit in the financial department, but that's nothing new. I'm also having trouble sleeping again; my mom recommended that I get some sleeping pills, but stuff like that scares me. I'm always afraid that I'm not going to wake up, and working for a hospice center makes fears like those much more real. I have to work my part-time job tonight (tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday too), so maybe that will help me knock out a little bit easier. If worst comes to worst, I'll break down and buy some Tylenol PM. Desperate times...

Also, I'm planning on taking my first GRE practice test this week, and I'm nervous as hell. I don't feel like I've studied nearly enough. I guess I'll find out where I stand when I actually take the test. Cross your fingers and say a prayer for me, please.

SS is...SS. We're friends, and I'm cool with that. And that's all I really have to say about that. Though I'm torn as to whether to send him something for Valentine's Day or not. I know it's early, but I went to Wal-Mart the other day and was bombarded with all kinds of V-Day items on display, so it's kind of fresh on my mind.

I'm not expecting to get anything--I don't expect anything from anyone on Valentine's Day, though my mom is good about buying me chocolates and other fattening things--but I'm not sure if I should send him something or not. I mean, I want to because I like him, but I'm concerned that sending a gift (albeit a small one) would breach the "friend" status. I'll think it over and let you know what I decide.

I'm about to take a lunch break now, then get back behind my desk and watch the clock count down to 4:30. Dinner and a nap at home, then work. I finally feel like I'm back in the swing of things.

I Can Transform Ya (featuring ...

Three Good Things:

• The sun is shining (though it's still freezing).
• I got another tax document in the mail today, so I should be able to file as soon as I get the cash.
• After lunch, I'm eating a York Peppermint Pattie.
  

New beginnings...

Lately things have been...pretty great actually. I'm finally settled in my new job (secretary for a non-profit), and while it doesn't make much use of my degree, I really enjoy it. My dad was in hospice before he died and even though all I do is take phone calls and other office-y things, I feel like I'm doing my part to help people during their hard times.

I'm becoming obsessed with saving money, probably since I don't have any. I decided today to limit my unnecessary spending as much as possible. I've been printing out coupons like a fiend and trying to stop spending on a whim (which, if you know me at all, is something I do on a daily basis).

I found this great interactive grocery list at WorkingMom.com. You can add your own items, print the list, and even write comments to yourself or your shopping helper. I've got coupons for a lot of items, so I made notes on which specific brands I need to buy to use them. I also looked at the online version of this week's Wal-Mart ad and made notes of items I use that are on sale so I can stock up. I feel so responsible and grown up! :)

I've also gotten a lot done as far as Christmas shopping. I know it's only the first week of November, but Christmas will be here before we know it. Plus, planning and shopping are two of my favorite things, so being able to do them both at once was very satisfying. :) I'm doing some grocery shopping today, so I may even be able to knock out a few more gifts (Wal-Mart gift cards, etc.) while I'm out today.

My grandfather is recovering well from his stroke and surgery; that's a blessing. Mom and the rest of the family are doing well too. Matt and I have had our ups and downs, but that's something I'm leaving up to God. Since I get a lot of free time at work, I'll probably be updating more often now...but don't hold me to that. :)