"I get away only in my mind..."

I'm sitting at my desk at work, fighting back tears. I've never tried so hard to get my life together. I'm really working to make myself a better person. But it seems like every time I do something right, another piece of my life slides out of place. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I enrolled myself in a debt management program; I went a little crazy with a couple of credit cards and decided to get help with my debt. I've been paying on time every month since February. And still, I'm getting bills from creditors asking for late fees. One of my medical bills has gone to collection. People keep asking for money, and it's getting to the point that I don't know where it's going to come from anymore.

More and more I find myself wishing that I wasn't who I am. I want to be someone else, someone who doesn't have to struggle every single day to stay above water. I guess it's good in a way; I'm being motivated to do better with the hopes that I won't have to work so hard all the time, that I'll find one job--instead of three or four--that will pay my bills. I'm trying to channel all the negative energy into positive thoughts, but some days--like today--are so much harder than others.

Through the grace of God, I just got paid for one of my writing jobs; I got the bulk of the money yesterday, and the rest is coming today. Tomorrow I'll deposit the cash. Friday, I'll write two checks and hand the money I worked so hard for to someone else. Every night, I'll pray that someday soon I won't have to worry so much.

I Sit Away - Boyz II Men

Three Good Things:

• I woke up this morning.
• The woman at the medical office was kind to me; she let me split my balance into two payments so it would be easier to pay.
• I still have a roof over my head and food in my cabinets.
  

Thanks...I think.

They say God never puts more on you than you can bear. If that's the case, I appreciate the compliment, God--you must think I'm the world's strongest woman.

Long story short, I bought a short-term insurance policy to cover me after my mom's insurance policy on me ran out. I went to the doctor twice, and somehow managed to amass over $1000 in charges--$700 of which I have to pay out of pocket. I've tried my hardest to get out of it, but Anthem won't budge. I swear, insurance companies have it made: you pay them for the policy and the deductible, and if they don't think they've made enough money they start charging out-of-network fees or denying claims based on the smallest technicalities. They've got the best hustle on the block.

Anyhow, I've stressed and cried and practically ripped my hair out in frustration over this situation, but what's done is done and there's nothing I can do to change it now. I will get through this. I'm just taking it as a compliment from God--He obviously thinks I can handle the pressure.

PS (SS, I heard this song yesterday and it reminded me of you. I haven't been able to get it--or you--out of my head, especially since I know you like Beyonce as much as I do. :) Oh, and thanks for making me feel precious. You are a wonderful man.)

Smash Into You - Beyoncé

Three Good Things:

• I just set up a payment plan for this $700 medical bill, so I have a year to pay it off (interest free).
  
• I should be receiving my first check from my part-time job pretty soon, and I'll be working there this weekend to earn a few more bucks.
  
• After months of impatient waiting and incessant cravings, I FINALLY GOT TO EAT AT IHOP.