"I'll be better than I am..."

So many things have happened in the month (gosh, I feel horrible typing that) since I've last updated. I know I said I would update more frequently, I felt bad about not posting more, blah blah blah. I'm not going to say all that stuff again because you probably wouldn't believe me--heck, I wouldn't even believe me. So I'm just going to post when I remember to. I can't make myself into someone I'm not.

First, I am still happily single. I've gone on a date since Dylan and I ended things, and it was fun; it was nice to meet a guy who's on my level--job, degree, God fearing, motivated. We went to dinner and for ice cream and...he kissed me. It was really nice. :) I felt myself getting too caught up in it; I wanted us to be boyfriend/girlfriend RIGHT AWAY. But then I shook myself back and saw that I was doing the same thing I always do: trying to find satisfaction in someone else instead of being happy with myself. So things are good. We're going to see Eclipse tonight with some of his friends, and I'm not gonna get my hopes up about it. Hopefully it will just be a good time for everyone.

Second, I will be going to Wisconsin sometime soon for a final interview for a job there. I'm really excited, but nervous at the same time--Kentucky is the only place I've ever lived. My family, my friends, everything I love is here. I don't know if I could just leave it. But I also know that, if I stay, I'll be selling myself short. I gave everything over to God and told him that whatever he wanted me to do, I would do. If He wants me in Wisconsin, that's where I'll be! So I'll go to the interview and give it my best. If things go well, I could be updating from a new home in a new state!

Third, I'm finally starting to save some money. It's not much, but it's a start. I feel much better about my financial situation now, but I know I have a looooonnnng way to go to get where I want to be. I'll be out of debt in about 3 years, hopefully sooner if I get a better job that pays more. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the possibility that I'll be moving to Wisconsin; it will cost about $2,000 to break the lease on my apartment, and I do NOT have that money right now. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Overall, things are going much better in the money department.

That's about all I have for now. I'm feeling really good about everything that's happening; I haven't felt this peaceful in a long time. Life is good. :)

Three Good Things:

• Off tonight and tomorrow at my second job.
• Family cookout on Saturday.
• Sleeping in on Monday--Happy Fourth of July!
  

"If that's love, it comes at much too high a cost."

Well, my boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. Things have been a bit rocky for some time, and I guess it was just time for us to end things and move on. I was all for talking it out and seeing if we could make it work, but not everyone is willing to put for the effort to try and salvage something...even a relationship.

Deep down, I knew that things weren't working out--they weren't going the way I wanted them to. Too many times I got upset over the constant favors I'd be asked for, the canceled plans, the phone calls and text messages that never came. But I think that I was hoping things would change, that the bond between us would overrule all the bad things that were popping up in our relationship. But I've been with enough guys to know that they never change. I'm usually the one doing all the changing, and I'm sick of that. I'm not going to compromise who I am or what I believe in for a man anymore.

Overall I've been pretty upset about the breakup, but after a long sob-fest and a somewhat sleepless night, I actually feel a little better (thanks to some great friends, coworkers, and family). My mom is convinced that I'll meet someone else someday, someone more professional and on the same level I am, but I'm not so sure. I'm so tired of trying, of meeting someone new and starting the whole silly dating process over again. It's exhausting and usually ends up in hurt feelings. But who knows? Maybe she's right. As I've grown up I've learned that she's been right about a lot of things. :)

What is a friend, anyway?

Random topic: friendship.

I've noticed lately that most of my so-called friendships are practically non-existent until someone needs something from me. Unless he or she is asking for a ride, a place to stay, or to borrow some money, I won't hear from him or her. I've always been a giving person; I'm the one who will go out of my way to make sure the people I care about are well taken care of. Heck, I just dropped all of my plans last Saturday (my first Saturday off in a loooooong time) to take a stranded former teammate to the airport--the same former teammate that used me and lied to me a few months back. I do what I can to make people happy.

But I can't blame everything on everyone else. I've got a lot going on that makes me hard to hang out with; I work two jobs, I hang out with my boyfriend occasionally, and I'm just really tired a lot. I don't mind being by myself; sometimes I choose hanging out at home instead of going to the bar or wherever people are socializing. I know I should go out and start hanging out with people, but I'm not sure how to go about it. This is so embarrassing--I don't know how to make friends anymore. I'm not quite sure where to start.

I've been thinking about moving away, going someplace new and starting over. I can't really afford to do that right now, but if I can find a job willing to cover relocation expenses I'll take it. I've already applied for one and am looking for others. I don't really want to leave, but it might be the best thing for me right now. Who knows?

(Oh, and the website that I usually use to post songs with my blogs is shutting down. Sad day.)

Three Good Things:

• I get paid this week.
• Daria finally came in.
• It finally stopped raining.
  

Drowning

I wish someone would come and take me away from this. I just want to live outside of myself for awhile, get away from the problems that just keep creeping up on me.

I got news today that I need over $3,000 worth of dental work. I don't know what I'm going to do.

That seems to be the story of my life these days.

Three Good Things:

• I'm awake.
• I'm not in pain.
• I still have my job.
  

"Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere..."

I've spent the better part of today updating my Monster.com profile. There are going to be some personnel cuts at my job and I'm just trying to get ready.

Whew. It just seems like one thing after another these days. It kind of reminds me of a few months ago, when I would think about my credit card debt and literally feel like I was drowning in it; my head would spin, my heart would race, and I just couldn't seem to take another breath.

But everything will be okay; I know it will. Even if I do get downsized, I'll make it through just fine. I'm going to have to leave this one up to God. Sorry things have been so depressing here lately, but what can I say? I'm going through a rough time. Hopefully things will look up soon.

Brick (Album Version) - Ben Fo...

Three Good Things:

• The sun is shining after a morning of rain.
• Daria comes out in about two weeks.
• I'm still breathing.
  

"I get away only in my mind..."

I'm sitting at my desk at work, fighting back tears. I've never tried so hard to get my life together. I'm really working to make myself a better person. But it seems like every time I do something right, another piece of my life slides out of place. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I enrolled myself in a debt management program; I went a little crazy with a couple of credit cards and decided to get help with my debt. I've been paying on time every month since February. And still, I'm getting bills from creditors asking for late fees. One of my medical bills has gone to collection. People keep asking for money, and it's getting to the point that I don't know where it's going to come from anymore.

More and more I find myself wishing that I wasn't who I am. I want to be someone else, someone who doesn't have to struggle every single day to stay above water. I guess it's good in a way; I'm being motivated to do better with the hopes that I won't have to work so hard all the time, that I'll find one job--instead of three or four--that will pay my bills. I'm trying to channel all the negative energy into positive thoughts, but some days--like today--are so much harder than others.

Through the grace of God, I just got paid for one of my writing jobs; I got the bulk of the money yesterday, and the rest is coming today. Tomorrow I'll deposit the cash. Friday, I'll write two checks and hand the money I worked so hard for to someone else. Every night, I'll pray that someday soon I won't have to worry so much.

I Sit Away - Boyz II Men

Three Good Things:

• I woke up this morning.
• The woman at the medical office was kind to me; she let me split my balance into two payments so it would be easier to pay.
• I still have a roof over my head and food in my cabinets.
  

Sweet Escape

I have to many jobs to blog. But now it's vacation time and I'm gonna relax, damn it!

I'm leaving to judge NFA tomorrow--I'm the most excited to see everyone! I've planned two outfits for every day: dressy and casual. I also got a weave. I'm not kidding. Looking fly at this tournament is serious.

I'm going to miss my boyfriend, but I'm glad to get away for a while. I work really hard and I'm finally getting some time to enjoy myself. :)

I'll post pics and stories throughout the trip when I'm not too busy being sassy and fabulous. :)

Rude Boy - Rihanna

Three Good Things:

• Vacation TOMORROW!
• I just made the last payment on my furniture.
• Backrubs from my boyfriend.