...or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I have to ask this before my head explodes from frustration. Why is it that once you get in a relationship with someone, everyone in the free world suddenly wants to get all flirty with you? I honestly don't get it. I've been single for who knows how long, waiting for someone to pay me attention, then I get a boyfriend and BAM! Ashley's the hottest thing on the block. It just doesn't make sense, people.

But now that I've vented a bit, I'll let you know about the other events taking place in my life thus far. I'm officially leaving Victoria's Secret. I don't want to, but I've got some other opportunities that I want to take advantage of right now. Hopefully one day I can come back to the company, but for right now I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm really excited about my new job and will definitely keep you updated on how it goes once I officially get started.

On the personal side, the male species has taken a spontaneous interest in me as of late. Who knows why, really. I'm kind of into it, but mostly just confused. Am I emitting some sort of pheromones or something? Anyway, Marcus will be here the last week of this month to visit. I'm really excited to see him, but I can't lie--this long-distance thing has been really hard. Maybe it will get better after I see him again, but I'm not the type of person who can build a relationship on occasional text messages and phone calls. But I'll think about all that once he gets here; we'll talk and see if we can work things out.

Other than those things, nothing major has been happening. I go to work, hang out with friends, and play The Sims 3 WAAAYY more than I should. I can't complain about life though--things are going pretty well. If things pop off, you'll be the first to know. Later.

Oh, shit.

I'm in a pickle now. It's funny how life can get REALLY complicated all at once.

More later.

Something new...

In the "Wind"

dark-skinned scarlett
desperately seeking
always watching
wondering
searching--she knows what she wants
just one look
the tiniest taste
testosterone laced
approval
savors each glance
each smile
imagines fairy tale endings
family photos with
both parents present
something so different from
her own
she reads the southern belle bible
taking her place under parisols
wearing ball gowns, dancing reels
not under scorching georgia suns
planting cotton, plowing fields
identifies with the protagonist
feels the craving to crush male hearts
in her hands
whatever it takes
no matter the stakes
her body on display
a southern belle simper on her face
modern day whale bone stays
the push-up bras
low-cut tees
all to fill her tragic need for
someone
anyone
to notice her

The (second) wait is over!

The Sims 3 finally came in today and it...is...AMAZING. That's all I can really say.

I'm working tomorrow and Saturday, but I'm off all day Sunday. Tentative agenda for my day off: Bible study, church, The Sims 3, trying out a new recipe, The Sims 3, paying some bills, and The Sims 3. I can't wait.

(Look for more--including more poetry--in the near future. I've been feeling inspired, but just haven't had time to put pen to paper yet. Happy Fourth!)

Out of the loop.

I grew up an only child for most of my life. Though my mom's boyfriend's son (complicated, I know) did come and live with us, he came when I was in eighth grade and left after my junior year of high school. I was practically grown by then, so I don't really count that experience--and also because we mostly stayed out of each other's way. I'm used to being by myself, so I don't mind it that much. Sometimes, though, it gets to me.

My apartment is completely across town from where all of my friends live, so going to hang out with them is kind of a trek. I also work full-time, so a lot of times I have to leave early because I have work the next day or I'm just too tired to hang out after a full day of work. Which is understandable (at least it is to me), but it doesn't make things much easier or much fun.

I guess sometimes I just feel left out of things. Like I'm not really a part of the loop. Everyone else seems like they don't have too many worries, that summer is really summer--something to enjoy. I'm only 21 and I feel so much older than I am. I'm constantly worried about bills and work and being responsible. I think that's what I should be doing, but I feel left out of everything else. I don't know. I guess that, behind the capable, confident, adult me there's someone who's just...lonely. Did I grow up too fast? I'm not sure anymore.

My mom always said, "The only person you can depend on is yourself." I believe that to be true, but I don't want to live my life alone either. I think I need to branch out, meet some new people. I found an interesting quotation today that kind of sums up how I feel about all this: "It is a very lonely life that a man leads, who becomes aware of truths before their times." -Thomas Brackett Reed

"Move it, Football Head!"

I finally got Seasons 1 and 2 of 'Hey Arnold!' on DVD. Laughter really is the best medicine.

"There's a place in your heart, and I know that it is love..."

Michael Jackson passed away today. I'm at a loss for what to say or do. I've always been a huge fan of Michael--I can remember writing in my Lisa Frank diary about how upset I was when he married Lisa Marie Presley because I wanted him to marry me instead. 'The Jacksons: An American Dream' was always one of my favorite movies, and I recorded it onto VHS and would watch it over and over and over (and I never missed the showings on VH1 or BET); I can't remember not being completely impressed by his talent. People always looked at me like I was completely nuts when I told them how much I loved Michael Jackson, but I never backed down. No one could even come close to him in my mind.

Now that he's gone, I feel like my childhood has ended. Michael Jackson was someone I've loved from a very young age, and now that he's gone it feels like the end of an era. I think the hardest thing to deal with is that Michael was a constant connection to my father. My dad loved the Jackson 5 and played their music constantly around the house; he loved Michael's solo work just as much. I remember sitting in the living room with him, eating fresh garden tomatoes with salt and watching 'The Jacksons: An American Dream'. Our shared love of Michael Jackson was something that made me feel closer to my dad.

Now that Michael's gone, it feels like I lost my dad all over again. I'm grieving not only for Michael, but for my father as well. I still want to believe that Michael planned all of this so he could get out of the public eye, and now he's on an island somewhere living a life filled with laughter. I know that, in Heaven, my father is so excited to finally meet Michael and tell him how much he appreciated his music. I appreciate both of them for being such large parts of my life, and hope they both found the peace that they deserve.