I may or may not have made a big mistake. Writing here has been really cathartic for me; it's nice to be able to vent without having anyone judge or criticize. I guess I was hiding behind the fact that I thought no one would actually pay attention to anything I say here.
But now people--actually one person--knows about and has read the things I've written here. It's exhilarating and embarrassing all at once; I'm torn between the desire to finally share what I really think with someone and the fear that he'll run screaming once he sees what goes on inside my head. I've had way more lows than highs and I don't want him seeing how...damaged I am (or at least how damaged I feel at times). But I guess that's the risk you take when you expose your inner thoughts to the world.
He challenged me to only write about the good things in my blog for the rest of this new year, and I feel bad that I'm already falling short. I don't know...I'm just very mixed up I guess. I feel awful knowing that he might read this and feel bad--if you are reading this, please don't change anything that you do. You still may or may not be the most awesome individual I've ever met. :) Tomorrow, I'm going to give this whole "write only the good" thing a try and see what happens. Maybe I just needed a push from someone else to finally start recognizing the blessings in my own life.
But until tomorrow, I'll be sleepless, wondering if I've done or said too much. I'll pray for guidance and peace through silent tears. I'll re-read and re-live every single word I've written here, and hope against hope that I haven't screwed up too badly this time.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
"I can't do this without you."
Last night I was talking to a friend on the phone and he said something that I've been waiting to hear my whole life. This particular gentleman, who I competed with on the speech and debate circuit, told me that he's too old to play games; at this point in his life, he's searching for his future wife.
I was literally shocked to tears. I've never heard a man say that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Especially someone like this guy: 23-years-old, college educated, no children, and as handsome as they come. I told him that I was going to get up and go to church just to thank God for what he'd said...and I did.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, I went to church. I sat in the front and listened to a service that felt like it was written just for me. Tears rolled down my face when my pastor asked everyone who'd ever felt unloved to raise their hands, then told us that Jesus loved us so much that he died to save us from ourselves.
During the alter call I just kept praying to God, "I can't do this without you." I can't get through a single day without His grace. The only way I could ever even come close to repaying Jesus for his sacrifice is to life my life in His image, and tell people about His love.
God really works in mysterious ways. I'm trying very hard not to get ahead of myself with this man, but he's been wonderful so far and I can't wait to get to know him better. You know how sometimes you just know that you're in the right place at the right time? That's how I feel about my life right now. I'm just taking things day by day from now on, waiting to see what God has in store for me.
I was literally shocked to tears. I've never heard a man say that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Especially someone like this guy: 23-years-old, college educated, no children, and as handsome as they come. I told him that I was going to get up and go to church just to thank God for what he'd said...and I did.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, I went to church. I sat in the front and listened to a service that felt like it was written just for me. Tears rolled down my face when my pastor asked everyone who'd ever felt unloved to raise their hands, then told us that Jesus loved us so much that he died to save us from ourselves.
During the alter call I just kept praying to God, "I can't do this without you." I can't get through a single day without His grace. The only way I could ever even come close to repaying Jesus for his sacrifice is to life my life in His image, and tell people about His love.
God really works in mysterious ways. I'm trying very hard not to get ahead of myself with this man, but he's been wonderful so far and I can't wait to get to know him better. You know how sometimes you just know that you're in the right place at the right time? That's how I feel about my life right now. I'm just taking things day by day from now on, waiting to see what God has in store for me.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New
Happy 2010 everyone! I can't believe a whole decade has passed already--where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday I was checking out Baby-Sitters Club books from the library, anxiously anticipating going to high school. Life is flying by so fast.
Yesterday I started off the new year in a huge way...I got my first tattoo. I immediately fell in love with it; it's perfect! People told me that tattoos were addictive, and now I actually believe them (I'm already planning my next one). 2010 has been amazing (so far) and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. Have a good day!
Yesterday I started off the new year in a huge way...I got my first tattoo. I immediately fell in love with it; it's perfect! People told me that tattoos were addictive, and now I actually believe them (I'm already planning my next one). 2010 has been amazing (so far) and I can't wait to see what else is in store for me. Have a good day!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Party Plans
Tonight I'll be making my debut at a relatively new BG club, Fluid. One of my friends is DJing there for the first time, so I'm gonna show some support. Plus, they have $10 all-you-can-drink. It's gonna be a party, y'all.
Tomorrow night I'm heading to Louisville to bring in the new year with my best friend from high school, Gabby. We haven't gotten to hang out too much since we graduated in '05, so I'm really looking forward to partying it up with her tomorrow night. I've also never experienced the night life in Louisville, so hopefully a good time will be had by all.
Ooh, I sound like such a party girl talkin' about all this clubbin'. Rest assured, I don't do this often. It's almost 2010, and I want to end this year the best way I know to--having a ball with good friends.
Tomorrow night I'm heading to Louisville to bring in the new year with my best friend from high school, Gabby. We haven't gotten to hang out too much since we graduated in '05, so I'm really looking forward to partying it up with her tomorrow night. I've also never experienced the night life in Louisville, so hopefully a good time will be had by all.
Ooh, I sound like such a party girl talkin' about all this clubbin'. Rest assured, I don't do this often. It's almost 2010, and I want to end this year the best way I know to--having a ball with good friends.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Fighting Sleep
It's almost 10:30 and I'm sitting in my bed, thinking about where I want to go and how I want to end up. I'm 22 and it feels like I'm caught between youth and wisdom sometimes. I've always looked and acted older, been more mature than my classmates. But now that I'm on my own and living the life of an adult, I want nothing more than to be back in high school with no worries, no bills, no sense of responsibility. As much as I want to stay where I am forever, I know that can't happen; a new year is almost here and time waits for no one.
Just wanted to share something I was pondering with you. I guess it's time for me to go to bed; maybe the fatigue is getting to me. Good night, everyone. :)
Just wanted to share something I was pondering with you. I guess it's time for me to go to bed; maybe the fatigue is getting to me. Good night, everyone. :)
Just me, myself, and I...
After a hilarious heart-to-heart with my friend Chad last night, I've decided to return to the world of blogging. I know I've promised again and again that I would write more frequently, but those were empty promises--and yes, I'm horribly ashamed. But now I'm back on the blog-wagon and ready to start talking about...whatever pops into my head.
And now it's time to be honest with you. It wasn't just my being busy that kept me from writing. I honestly didn't think that anyone cared what I had to say. I had no idea that people actually read this thing. I guess I figured that, since no one really paid attention to my ramblings, I might as well be quiet. And that's something I'm trying to change.
For the longest time I did things because of whether it made other people happy or not. There was a time in my life where my self-worth was wholly based on what other people (especially men) though of me. It was a really dark time; I've still got the emotional scars. But I'm working on being happy because I like who I am, not because someone else likes who I'm pretending to be.
Part of this renovation of self I'm undertaking is a celibacy vow. Yes, I said it. The muffin shop is closed until I meet someone worthy of a grand re-opening. So far things are going well, though there are times that I struggle.
For example, a guy I dated (sort of) a few years back recently popped back into my life. We had dinner and laughed and talked and all that lovey dovey mess--I thought things were going really well. Then,inevitably, the intimacy question popped up. I said I wasn't ready for that, and immediately he tells me to "just relax and let things happen," which I've learned is code for, "just lay there and let me take your clothes off." When I said no deal, he disappeared for a few days.
Now, Old Ashley would have handled this situation in one of two ways: 1.) Given up the goods in the first place, thinking that he'd like her more and want to date her; or 2.) Said no, felt really guilty about saying no, then gave up the goods out of fear that he'd leave. The outcome would be the same regardless--he would leave, and Old Ashley would be alone. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.
But New Ashley isn't going out like that! I said no, and for a while I morphed into Old Ashley and felt guilty about it and worried that he'd leave. But then I realized that I didn't want him to stay if that was all he wanted from me. So I stayed strong and held out. :) It baffles me that so many men would find it offensive that I'm making a decision to feel better about myself. But those guys aren't real men anyway; a real man would respect me for my decision and work hard to show me that he's the one I should choose.
But anyway, enough rambling for now. I promise I will write more often, even when I don't feel like I have anything important to say. Thanks to Chad for letting me know that at least one person took the time to listen. :)
And now it's time to be honest with you. It wasn't just my being busy that kept me from writing. I honestly didn't think that anyone cared what I had to say. I had no idea that people actually read this thing. I guess I figured that, since no one really paid attention to my ramblings, I might as well be quiet. And that's something I'm trying to change.
For the longest time I did things because of whether it made other people happy or not. There was a time in my life where my self-worth was wholly based on what other people (especially men) though of me. It was a really dark time; I've still got the emotional scars. But I'm working on being happy because I like who I am, not because someone else likes who I'm pretending to be.
Part of this renovation of self I'm undertaking is a celibacy vow. Yes, I said it. The muffin shop is closed until I meet someone worthy of a grand re-opening. So far things are going well, though there are times that I struggle.
For example, a guy I dated (sort of) a few years back recently popped back into my life. We had dinner and laughed and talked and all that lovey dovey mess--I thought things were going really well. Then,inevitably, the intimacy question popped up. I said I wasn't ready for that, and immediately he tells me to "just relax and let things happen," which I've learned is code for, "just lay there and let me take your clothes off." When I said no deal, he disappeared for a few days.
Now, Old Ashley would have handled this situation in one of two ways: 1.) Given up the goods in the first place, thinking that he'd like her more and want to date her; or 2.) Said no, felt really guilty about saying no, then gave up the goods out of fear that he'd leave. The outcome would be the same regardless--he would leave, and Old Ashley would be alone. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.
But New Ashley isn't going out like that! I said no, and for a while I morphed into Old Ashley and felt guilty about it and worried that he'd leave. But then I realized that I didn't want him to stay if that was all he wanted from me. So I stayed strong and held out. :) It baffles me that so many men would find it offensive that I'm making a decision to feel better about myself. But those guys aren't real men anyway; a real man would respect me for my decision and work hard to show me that he's the one I should choose.
But anyway, enough rambling for now. I promise I will write more often, even when I don't feel like I have anything important to say. Thanks to Chad for letting me know that at least one person took the time to listen. :)
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