O. M. G.

I'm getting my first tattoo this weekend.

Terrified? YES.

Party Plans

Tonight I'll be making my debut at a relatively new BG club, Fluid. One of my friends is DJing there for the first time, so I'm gonna show some support. Plus, they have $10 all-you-can-drink. It's gonna be a party, y'all.

Tomorrow night I'm heading to Louisville to bring in the new year with my best friend from high school, Gabby. We haven't gotten to hang out too much since we graduated in '05, so I'm really looking forward to partying it up with her tomorrow night. I've also never experienced the night life in Louisville, so hopefully a good time will be had by all.

Ooh, I sound like such a party girl talkin' about all this clubbin'. Rest assured, I don't do this often. It's almost 2010, and I want to end this year the best way I know to--having a ball with good friends.

Fighting Sleep

It's almost 10:30 and I'm sitting in my bed, thinking about where I want to go and how I want to end up. I'm 22 and it feels like I'm caught between youth and wisdom sometimes. I've always looked and acted older, been more mature than my classmates. But now that I'm on my own and living the life of an adult, I want nothing more than to be back in high school with no worries, no bills, no sense of responsibility. As much as I want to stay where I am forever, I know that can't happen; a new year is almost here and time waits for no one.

Just wanted to share something I was pondering with you. I guess it's time for me to go to bed; maybe the fatigue is getting to me. Good night, everyone. :)

Just me, myself, and I...

After a hilarious heart-to-heart with my friend Chad last night, I've decided to return to the world of blogging. I know I've promised again and again that I would write more frequently, but those were empty promises--and yes, I'm horribly ashamed. But now I'm back on the blog-wagon and ready to start talking about...whatever pops into my head.

And now it's time to be honest with you. It wasn't just my being busy that kept me from writing. I honestly didn't think that anyone cared what I had to say. I had no idea that people actually read this thing. I guess I figured that, since no one really paid attention to my ramblings, I might as well be quiet. And that's something I'm trying to change.

For the longest time I did things because of whether it made other people happy or not. There was a time in my life where my self-worth was wholly based on what other people (especially men) though of me. It was a really dark time; I've still got the emotional scars. But I'm working on being happy because I like who I am, not because someone else likes who I'm pretending to be.

Part of this renovation of self I'm undertaking is a celibacy vow. Yes, I said it. The muffin shop is closed until I meet someone worthy of a grand re-opening. So far things are going well, though there are times that I struggle.

For example, a guy I dated (sort of) a few years back recently popped back into my life. We had dinner and laughed and talked and all that lovey dovey mess--I thought things were going really well. Then,inevitably, the intimacy question popped up. I said I wasn't ready for that, and immediately he tells me to "just relax and let things happen," which I've learned is code for, "just lay there and let me take your clothes off." When I said no deal, he disappeared for a few days.

Now, Old Ashley would have handled this situation in one of two ways: 1.) Given up the goods in the first place, thinking that he'd like her more and want to date her; or 2.) Said no, felt really guilty about saying no, then gave up the goods out of fear that he'd leave. The outcome would be the same regardless--he would leave, and Old Ashley would be alone. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.

But New Ashley isn't going out like that! I said no, and for a while I morphed into Old Ashley and felt guilty about it and worried that he'd leave. But then I realized that I didn't want him to stay if that was all he wanted from me. So I stayed strong and held out. :) It baffles me that so many men would find it offensive that I'm making a decision to feel better about myself. But those guys aren't real men anyway; a real man would respect me for my decision and work hard to show me that he's the one I should choose.

But anyway, enough rambling for now. I promise I will write more often, even when I don't feel like I have anything important to say. Thanks to Chad for letting me know that at least one person took the time to listen. :)

I'm an idiot.

I should have known better, and I'll probably never forgive myself for this. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone.

Something New

I never thought I'd be able to compare myself to Sanaa Lathan. I also didn't think I'd be this happy. I hope everything works out this time.

New beginnings...

Lately things have been...pretty great actually. I'm finally settled in my new job (secretary for a non-profit), and while it doesn't make much use of my degree, I really enjoy it. My dad was in hospice before he died and even though all I do is take phone calls and other office-y things, I feel like I'm doing my part to help people during their hard times.

I'm becoming obsessed with saving money, probably since I don't have any. I decided today to limit my unnecessary spending as much as possible. I've been printing out coupons like a fiend and trying to stop spending on a whim (which, if you know me at all, is something I do on a daily basis).

I found this great interactive grocery list at WorkingMom.com. You can add your own items, print the list, and even write comments to yourself or your shopping helper. I've got coupons for a lot of items, so I made notes on which specific brands I need to buy to use them. I also looked at the online version of this week's Wal-Mart ad and made notes of items I use that are on sale so I can stock up. I feel so responsible and grown up! :)

I've also gotten a lot done as far as Christmas shopping. I know it's only the first week of November, but Christmas will be here before we know it. Plus, planning and shopping are two of my favorite things, so being able to do them both at once was very satisfying. :) I'm doing some grocery shopping today, so I may even be able to knock out a few more gifts (Wal-Mart gift cards, etc.) while I'm out today.

My grandfather is recovering well from his stroke and surgery; that's a blessing. Mom and the rest of the family are doing well too. Matt and I have had our ups and downs, but that's something I'm leaving up to God. Since I get a lot of free time at work, I'll probably be updating more often now...but don't hold me to that. :)