Realization

It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day. I'm graduating. I placed the order for my graduation invitations and right after I clicked "Submit Payment," my entire body went numb. I think it was partially due to the fact that I was really nervous about having some syntax error/typo all front and center on my invitations, but mostly because this will be the biggest milestone of my life (so far). Yeesh. These emotions are wild. I just hope I can keep it together long enough to finish the semester. Speaking of which, I have a big ol' test in Sexuality and Society that I should probably be studying for right about now. More later.

MY place.

I have an apartment! Finally, my first big step toward being a "grown up." I put down the deposit yesterday, and I plan on moving in sometime in late April (after nationals are over). Wow. This is...emotional. I can't believe I'm going to be living on my own for the first time in just a few short months. Granted, it will be small (and most likely cheaply furnished), but it will be mine--all mine. My place to live, work, and just...be. This whole growing up thing is exciting! I'll post more later; I've got to stop by a friend's house before work.

I almost forgot!

I promised you all pictures from Krimson and Creme (the Greek formal I went to with my boyfriend last month). I apologize for my tardiness in posting them--I'm scattered to say the least. :) Here they are:

Stavon (one of my friends) and I before the party.



















My boyfriend Gabriel and I. He picked out my dress himself and gave it to me as a Valentine's Day gift!



















Us being silly. :)

Time...

Wow. Everything is moving so fast. I'm going to graduate from college in about 70 days. I'm absolutely terrified, but looking forward to it too. I'm excited to not have to worry about finals, papers, and classes for a year or so. :)

In other news, I finally found an apartment! I can't wait to move in and start living on my own. I've been a little concerned about if I'll make ends meet, but I should be fine. I've got to start budgeting and really crack down on my spending habits--something I've known I need to do for a while. But I've already got quite a bit saved for the deposit, rent, and furniture, so I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm really looking forward to decorating and having my own little home.

Things have been going okay in the relationship department as well. We've had our ups and downs, but I think that with consistent, honest communication we should make things work. The relationship is still new--we're still getting to know each others habits and things like that. I have high hopes for it though; it's been a while since I've been this happy with someone else.

I can't believe how time has flown by. I still remember playing house on the blacktop behind Hodgenville Elementary School, cheering for middle school basketball games in eight grade, and walking in a processional around the LaRue County High School gym after getting my diploma like it was yesterday. I can't wait for all the new memories I get to create, truly living life on my own for the first time.

Talk the talk.

I'm currently at a forensics tournament at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio. For those of you who don't know, forensics is a fancy name for speech and debate, a.k.a. the art of competitive public speaking. I've been doing this since seventh grade (except for last spring when I took a semester off).

Now, I love to talk. I have since my very first word which, by the way, was applesauce. So why would I pass up the chance to get to talk and earn trophies for doing it? But no, that's not the real reason why I get up early and stay up late to do this little-known activity.

I've always wanted to be an actress, and this is a way to exercise my acting chops without running all over the country spending tons of money on head shots and gas to get to auditions and all that. (I would like to do that one day, but right now my funds are extremely limited.) Not only that, but I feel like I'm spreading my message throughout the world. In speech, you choose what you want to talk about--the message you spread is yours completely.

I'll miss this activity dearly when I graduate. I know most of my happiest memories from the past ten years of my life have had something to do with forensics. But until my speech career is over, I'll just have to keep making new memories and loving every moment.

It's been a long, long time comin'...

First off, my sincerest apologies for not writing more often. I broke my New Year's resolution to write once a week and, since you're reading this, you know about my lack of willpower. :( But I plan on using the shame I'm currently feeling to get my ass in gear and write like I should. Thank you, conscience.

Anyhow, so many things have happened since I last wrote. I met my district manager, Laura, and tried to turn on the charm in hopes of getting a full-time job with the company when I graduate in May. I'm not sure how charming I actually was considering I was nervous as all get-out, but she likes the results I produce so hopefully she'll work some magic. Keep your fingers crossed.

My great-great aunt, Lois Smith, passed away a few weeks ago. I was really shocked by it; I just saw her when I went home for Christmas break and she seemed happy and fine. It's crazy how someone can be here one minute and gone the next. I wasn't able to go to the funeral because one of my professors wouldn't let me make up the classwork, but I did say a special prayer for her. I know she's much better off than we are, but it's still odd knowing she's not here anymore.

On a lighter note, I have a boyfriend! I didn't expect him to come into my life, but I'm so glad to have him. He's younger than I am, but he's awesome--so sweet and funny and just...great. I'm ridiculously happy for the first time in I can't remember how long. I hope things work out with us, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up. We'll just have to wait and see. :)

And on another boy-note, I finally let go of someone that I'd kept in my life for way too long. I told this person (a previous ex boyfriend) that I didn't see us getting back together because I couldn't recreate the feelings that I had for him the first time around. I gave him my whole heart--every single thing I had was his. When he left, he left scars that I still can't look past. I guess it's the realist in me showing--why would I give you my heart a second time when you've already broken it once? But I told him how I felt and I haven't heard from him since. I cherish the time we had together, but there was no way I could go back. I still care for him deeply though, and I hope he finds what he's looking for.

Nationals for speech is fastly approaching, and I'm more than a little nervous. I want to end my senior year with a bang, but with class and work and my sorority, my plate is a little more than full. I will miss speech more than anything once this year is over, and I feel really bad that I can't focus on it completely. But I just keep telling myself that I'm looking for a career, something that will feed me and clothe me and keep a roof over my head after college is over. I don't feel good about it, but I have to sacrifice the short-term for the long-term. It's for the best.

Anyway, now that you've been sufficiently caught up on the life of Ashley, I'll leave you to the rest of your day. I'm going to a Greek formal tonight with my boyfriend; I'll post pictures as soon as I can. Also, I'm delving into the foray of slam poetry, so I'll be posting some of my work for (constructive) criticism. Thank you for listening; I appreciate it more than you know. Talk to you soon!

25 Random Things...

1. I always say that I want to weigh 118 lbs. again (how much I weighed in high school), but I don't. Having boobs and backside makes me feel like a WOMAN.

2. My dream career would be one in which I make tons of money, boss people around, and wear cute suits and heels everyday. I'm thinking corporate America.

3. I often marvel at my ipod. That thing is magical indeed.

4. I've always wanted to be a professional ballet dancer, a film/Broadway actress, or a recording artist. Unfortunately, I'm not talented enough to do any of those things.

5. I wish I didn't believe in Prince Charming, because I'm afraid I'm not going to find him.

6. Taking a long walk on a beautiful day makes me very happy.

7. My mom means everything to me. I'd be completely lost without her.

8. I pretend like I'm in a music video whenever I listen to my favorite songs.

9. I think my purpose in life is to persuade people.

10. I'm so glad I was born a Black woman. Being a double minority makes all the successes I've had that much sweeter.

11. I'm double-jointed in one of my toes.

12. Living in the South is the closest to heaven I've ever been.

13. Shopping makes me happy. Shopping for other people makes me even happier.

14. I'm terrified about graduating from college. I'm scared I won't be able to make it on my own.

15. 'Sunny Came Home' by Shawn Colvin makes an appearance on the soundtrack of my life.

16. I plan on getting a pet turtle named Phillip in the immediate future.

17. I sometimes wonder if my thoughts are written in a thought bubble over my head and that everyone know exactly what's on my mind.

18. I try to make my bed every day. More often than not, it doesn't happen.

19. I get buyer's remorse all the time.

20. I try really hard to be nice, but people still see me as mean sometimes. I think it's because I'm so scared of getting taken advantage of that I subconsciously work hard to seem tough.

21. I cry every single time I watch one of those wedding or baby shows on TLC. I just get so happy for people.

22. Performing in front of people I know makes me really nervous. I feel like they're judging me.

23. I really admire people (Austin Ashford, Steph Patt, Bonny, etc.) who can write amazing poetry. I wish I could do it too.

24. At 21 years old, I still have no idea how to behave in the presence of men. They make me really flustered.

25. I remember awesome shows from my childhood and wish I could watch them now. Some of my favorites include 'The Torklesons', 'My Brother and Me', 'Hey Arnold!', 'Daria', 'The Lyricist Lounge Show', and 'Great Pretenders'.